"Why do you do these things to yourself?" That is the plaintive cry from the man who has loved me for almost 4 decades.....The only thing I can say is .....I really don't know. I have this thing that I do; I can't seem to sit calmly and let life happen. I have to pick at things until they bleed, I have to look under the rock, try the odd food, sniff the disgusting bottle of strange stuff that has been left in the fridge at work, ask the question no one else wants to ask.....I just CANNOT let well enough alone. I don't read directions (or follow them), I would rather figure it out myself. I gotta touch it, mess with it, pull it apart, and then make myself crazy when I can't figure it out or put it back together. I have to be the one to volunteer cause no one else is saying anything, even if I don't know the first thing about what I am taking on. This can be particularly dangerous in the work setting.
This week I have to start a master's program in project management (which I should have started 2 weeks ago), organize a trip, memorize a speech for a toastmasters contest, work on a clinical report that is trying my very soul, and soothe frazzled nerves on my team while at the same time trying to figure out what exactly I need to know to soothe them. For fun, I got back into a ladies league (bowling) on Tuesday nights.
You would think that with this type of personality, I would be some kind of genius that has discovered something.....anything......new, but I haven't.....however, I do have a few good stories, and a lot of good friends.
Being this way makes it extremely hard for me to quell my passions. I think this comes under the heading of self-mastery....I struggle with that.
I have been like this my whole life. If I hadn't made decisions early on about drinking, smoking, and other vices not good for the body or soul, I would have put myself in an early grave. I would have overindulged in them all. My mother used to say to me that I was "in love with being in love" when I was a teenager. She was so very right....I was very much in love when I was a teenager! Let me just say that I always took my daughters' "love interests" very seriously because I remember so vividly my own experiences as a young girl. What I felt seared through me like a hot fire and burned into my heart to stay forever.......that's not an exaggeration....really.....and it wasn't all physical reaction, (OK, a lot of it was physical reaction...) but it was tangled up with adoration and all of those wonderful feelings we call love...... I'm STILL in love with being in love. The men (plural, yes, I was, after all, in love with being in love!) I fell in love with were pretty fabulous, even though I was left with a badly broken heart on at least one occasion.....(To my children....you can now uncover your eyes and read on.)
I oftentimes am very aware of another part of me, the logical, common sense, moral, and ethical part of me, standing outside looking on in amazement and horror to the other part of me, the little child/bad girl part of me, the one that wants to run away, to indulge in things that are not allowed, to throw caution to the wind and envelope myself in every delightsome and pleasurable desire of which I can think. The logical, common sense, moral, and ethical self stands there being shocked and appalled at the thoughts that my child/bad girl self has devilishly conjured up in corporeal delight. I almost cannot reconcile these two people, but they are both so very much me.
For many years, I have had control, buried that rotten child and let the adult rule, but as of late, the child/bad girl has been trying to knock down the doors and escape, putting everything I have built over the years in disarray. (Note to my children: just let it go, everything is fine, really...this is a blog...I can write what I want to, I'm just ruminating, it comes with age....R&R..... rheumatism and ruminating......). I think this malady of introspection and extrovert is what keeps me intrigued in life, almost everything and everyone is interesting to me, I want to know about you and what you are.....and I will spill my guts about myself if you want to hear.
All I know is, I need the constant flow of energy that comes from everything around me. I know it's a love song, but, I'm just like the Aerosmith title, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing".
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