Cool or Clod?

Since I have been writing this blog, I have become more and more unsettling to myself.  There was a time when I would have described me as: professional, unaffected by  pressure, determined, focused, and might I even add, a little cool.

I am now beginning to think, however, that it might be difficult for me to go through an entire day without drooling all over myself.  Professional has gone to lack of control, pressure keeps me in bed too late cause I don't want to face the day, determined has gone to I don't give a crap, what used to be focus is now the attention span of a 2 year old, and my cool factor has gone to clod factor.....

Two weeks ago, out on a call, I went to my car to get supplies to dress a wound.  It was 4 in the morning and I tossed my keys in the trunk as I was rummaging around, thinking that I needed to move a few things out when I had time....as I slammed my trunk, I immediately knew that my keys were still on the inside.   It wouldn't have been so bad if my car had been unlocked, I could of just popped the trunk from the inside, but I had locked my car on the way in to see my patient.  I almost NEVER lock my car....of COURSE I am going to do it when I leave the keys in the trunk.  This was the 3rd time since May that I have had to call my husband out of bed to come rescue me from my own stupid self.  He is such a patient man.....I can take credit for that.......I have tried him over and over again, and he just keeps coming back for more. I am not sure what the attraction is, but I am glad it works for him.  I don't even cook, for cryin out loud....All he said was "You know, you shouldn't put your keys in the trunk like that, it's very easy to lock them in there if you do."  Am I that oblivious to the obvious that he needs to tell me that???  Geez....One of the times he came to rescue me I thought I had locked my keys in the car.  I couldn't find them anywhere, it was dark, I couldn't see into the car, I had emptied out my bag and had come up with nothing.  When he came and unlocked the car, (hmmmm maybe I DO lock it more than I thought)...the keys were not on the inside either.  Another dumping of the bag found the keys buried in a crevice under my blood pressure cuff.  Sorry about that....but it was only a little after 11:00 that time.

As I look over my blogs, I see that I am grouchy, over-extended, rude, self-centered, vain, critical, insensitive......anyone want to stop me here?  Oh well..... and I'm not too bright either...as you will see in the following example.

I started bowling again recently after several years away and my right hand and ring finger have been stiff and sore.  I thought that it would work itself out, but last night, I decided that I would use some "herbal muscle massage" that contains capsaicin and menthol; kind of a potent Ben Gay, if you will. Capsaicin, as you will remember, is what makes chili peppers hot.  It burns, people.  However, I can eat very hot things, and believe me, if my insides can take it, why not my tough old hands?  So after the first application, I decided that the heat from the capsaicin and the cool from the menthol was not quite enough, so I applied a second coating.  I used it like a hand cream rather than a targeted topical medication to the areas that were painful.....Yeah, I know that wasn't too smart now.  Here's the weird thing though, it really didn't bother me until this morning when I was slathering body lotion on my legs and arms (I really need to drink more water to keep my skin in better condition, but I hate water)....I don't know if this act triggered an exothermic event, but my hands started to feel like they were on fire.  Now remember, this was the morning AFTER.... I took a shower, I had washed my hands a couple of times already...and then I rubbed my face....I was immediately blinded by pain and I couldn't open my right eye.....What the heck was going on here?  Well the eye got better after flushing, but my hands felt like they were being cooked from the inside out! For 2 hours, I had to keep running to the sink to wash my hands and run them under cold water for relief, and my right hand and finger are still stiff and sore!  Upon further investigation, (oh yeah, I don't follow directions very well either) you must, apparently, apply the capsaicin up to 4 times a day over a period of 1-3 weeks to get relief of stiff joints.....I think I'll pass for now....

I have decided that the only cool thing about me these days is my rosemary mint shampoo.....

I have no control whatsoever.....

"Why do you do these things to yourself?"  That is the plaintive cry from the man who has loved me for almost 4 decades.....The only thing I can say is .....I really don't know.  I have this thing that I do; I can't seem to sit calmly and let life happen.  I  have to pick at things until they bleed,  I have to look under the rock, try the odd food, sniff the disgusting bottle of strange stuff that has been left in the fridge at work, ask the question no one else wants to ask.....I just CANNOT let well enough alone.  I don't read directions (or follow them), I would rather figure it out myself.  I gotta touch it, mess with it, pull it apart, and then make myself crazy when I can't figure it out or put it back together.  I have to be the one to volunteer cause no one else is saying anything, even if I don't know the first thing about what I am taking on.  This can be particularly dangerous in the work setting.

This week I have to start a master's program in project management (which I should have started 2 weeks ago), organize a trip, memorize a speech for a toastmasters contest, work on a clinical report that is trying my very soul, and soothe frazzled nerves on my team while at the same time trying to figure out what exactly I need to know to soothe them.  For fun, I got back into a ladies league (bowling) on Tuesday nights.

You would think that with this type of personality, I would be some kind of  genius that has discovered something.....anything......new, but I haven't.....however, I do have a few good stories, and a lot of good friends. 

Being this way makes it extremely hard for me to quell my passions.  I think this comes under the heading of self-mastery....I struggle with that.

I have been like this my whole life.  If I hadn't made decisions early on about drinking, smoking, and other vices not good for the body or soul, I would have put myself in an early grave.  I would have overindulged in them all.  My mother used to say to me that I was "in love with being in love" when I was a teenager.  She was so very right....I was very much in love when I was a teenager!  Let me just say that I always took my daughters' "love interests" very seriously because I remember so vividly my own experiences as a young girl.  What I felt seared through me like a hot fire and burned into my heart to stay forever.......that's not an exaggeration....really.....and it wasn't all physical reaction, (OK, a lot of it was physical reaction...) but it was tangled up with adoration and all of those wonderful feelings we call love...... I'm STILL in love with being in love.  The men (plural, yes, I was, after all, in love with being in love!) I fell in love with were pretty fabulous, even though I was left with a badly broken heart on at least one occasion.....(To my children....you can now uncover your eyes and read on.)

I oftentimes am very aware of another part of me, the logical, common sense, moral, and ethical part of me, standing outside looking on in amazement and horror to the other part of me, the little child/bad girl part of me, the one that wants to run away, to indulge in things that are not allowed, to throw caution to the wind and envelope myself in every delightsome and pleasurable desire of which I can think. The logical, common sense, moral, and ethical self stands there being shocked and appalled at the thoughts that my child/bad girl self has devilishly conjured up in corporeal delight.  I almost cannot reconcile these two people, but they are both so very much me. 

For many years, I have had control, buried that rotten child and let the adult rule, but as of late, the child/bad girl has been trying to knock down the doors and escape, putting everything I have built over the years in disarray.  (Note to my children: just let it go, everything is fine, really...this is a blog...I can write what I want to, I'm just ruminating, it comes with age....R&R..... rheumatism and ruminating......).  I think this malady of introspection and extrovert is what keeps me intrigued in life, almost everything and everyone is interesting to me, I want to know about you and what you are.....and I will spill my guts about myself if you want to hear.

All I know is, I need the constant flow of energy that comes from everything around me.  I know it's a love song, but, I'm just like the Aerosmith title, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing".