But ANYWAY, I recently got an email that excitedly proclaimed the wonderful uses of the ordinary cucumber. Yes, my friends, the simple cucumber that prolifically grows in home gardens around the world! The mighty cucumber.....Really?? When I was growing up, the cucumber was the one thing I could get my dad to make a face over. He hates cucumbers...... still does to this day, so do my husband and children. I, on the other hand, love cucumbers, so I was intrigued by this email on the powers of the cuke. So I am going to go over the list (there are 12 in the list I will do the first 6; the last 6 will have to come in the next episode) and you can tell me what you think. I, of course, will tell you what I think.
#1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.
OK, What size cucumber are you talking here? They come in every shape and size. Fat with a lot of seeds? Skinny with more flesh? Long? Short? With or without the peel? That makes a big difference! (You know it's with the peel; I am ambivalent about cucumber peels....if it's that waxy junk from the store, no thanks, if it's fresh from the garden, OK, but ya really gotta scrub it.) If you don't like the peel, you have lost most of what it purports to be! And what variety of cucumber? ....Come on, you don't expect me to believe this do you? Who exactly measures the nutrients of a cucumber? There's a lot of water in it you know. Have you ever left a cucumber in the fridge so long it just disintegrates? Really nasty...It looks OK and then you reach for it and it squishes into a mess. Ever freeze a cucumber? Not good....
#2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick- me -up that can last for hours.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Give me a Snickers..........I'll live with the inevitable crash!
#3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.
My bathroom mirror is huge.....I am a macro cleaner....big paper towels, lots of spray, and wide strokes of the arm.......Can you just see me holding a little slice of cucumber rubbing it across the surface of my mirror just to keep it from fogging? I don't want to see myself after a shower anyway...And sorry, one slice of cucumber will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.........Febreeze on steroids will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.....
#4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.
OK, salt on the slugs, and it's a visible lesson in osmosis......plus, I don't think garden pests have noses.....
#5 Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!
I got nothing here.....I mean, really, rubbing cucumber slices on my cellulite?? First of all, no one that has enough cellulite to worry about should be wearing clothing that may expose it....In the case of a bathing suit, who cares? EVERYONE knows themselves well enough on this issue...you either:
- Look great and flaunt it
- Think you look great and flaunt it
- Look fat/thin/scrawny/too tan/blazing white/freckly/short/tall/bulgy and don't care
- NEVER wear a bathing suit because you don't want to make anyone go blind.
I think most of humanity fits in under the 3rd bullet point. I have spent a lifetime looking around and let's face it, there are no naturally living people that are 10's....The only scale that should be important to you is the one you have of yourself, I am about a 3, but my kids think I am somewhere between 7-10 depending on the day. (Well, not in a bathing suit....) That's good enough for me. How long can a cucumber scrub last anyway? You go in the pool looking tight and when you come out you got dimples from head to toe?? (And do men care about cellulite? Do they get cellulite? See?? We don't even notice! Many men can put on a speedo and strut around like the cock of the hen house! That would be bullet point 2.)
#6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!
Yeah, right......I can see it now, stumbling into the kitchen to eat a cucumber after a night out partying. Who really wants a drunk to have a knife in their hand ready to slice up veggies to prevent a hangover/headache? And....Yumm, eating cucumbers on top of buffalo wings, beer, Mohitos, Margaritas, nachos, and chili...The only thing a cucumber might add is something to the color palette when it gets barfed up. If you are sober enough to slice and eat a cucumber after being out drinking, you won't have a hangover anyway.
Knowing these things doesn't change my attitude toward the simple cucumber, I will still eat it, but I won't smear it on my mirrors or my thighs, will not try to tighten up those wrinkles around my eyes (sleep, something that I have a hard time doing, helps more), use it as a room freshener or test it out to see if I can tie one on and not suffer the consequences. But I will keep these things in mind, just in case I get as bored as the person who put this list together did.
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