The list extolling the virtues of the cucumber are continued. I often wonder where these tests are done or who has enough time in their day to experiment with these type of things; I'm sure it is a degree at some AG college somewhere. I know we have plant physiologists etc etc, but is there a "Cucumber Institute", or maybe it is a sub-study of the "Vegetable Institute". Now wait a minute; is a cucumber a vegetable or a fruit? Fruit, I think? Anyway, here are the rest of the cucumber suggestions from the list.
#7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explorers for quick meals to thwart off starvation.
OK, the operative words here are "snacking binge". European trappers, traders, and explorers may have eaten them to "thwart off starvation", but I doubt had they had access to chips, ice cream, or even some beef jerky they would NOT have filled up on cucumbers. And why would I want to "fight off" a snacking binge? The whole idea of a binge is to wake up in a stupor to find your chest covered with crumbs (chips, cookies, sandwich, take your pick), chocolate on your lips, soda in one hand, and a spoon of half eaten peanut butter in the other. It's the "Lost Weekend" of the food addict.
#8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.
I don't think women polish shoes. Do men still polish shoes? And is the important meeting or job interview a big surprise? I don't think I would be inclined to hire someone who was so unprepared for an interview that they totally forgot to polish their shoes....or maybe I would, I don't think I would notice unpolished shoes. Do you notice your shoes are unpolished only in the morning before the meeting or interview, or did you know you have been wearing scuffed up shoes for about 3 months? And how long does it take to polish a shoe? Is rubbing a cucumber slice over your shoes faster? Maybe I am missing the point? Should I choose polishing shoes with a cucumber over the traditional ? Maybe I should just have shoes that don't get polished......
#9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!
Again, who thinks of doing this?? Let's see, I have a squeaky hinge.....in the kitchen I have Pam, vegetable oil, butter, but no WD 40...........Think I will go with a cucumber, that has GOT to work....Me? don't care about squeaky hinges, they give a house character.....
#10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.
Mmmmmmmmm.........massage.....facial.....trip to spa.............wouldn't that be nice?? Never had a massage, had my first facial (and last, now that I think of it) when I was 54....heavenly.....my first pedicure at about 50, ....have to do that now, I have never been successful in getting my husband or any other family member to rub my feet, even though I have tried every bribe I can think of...no, that's not true, I think one of my progeny actually took money for it at times.... so I now pay for "Ricky" to be my cabana boy and give me regular spa pedicures. Well actually, I don't go to Ricky anymore because the salon was just not, well, I was afraid I would catch something there....but when I can, I get a man to do the pedicure. Their hands are stronger and... and... and...well, their hands are stronger.....but I digress.
I'm trying to figure out how a cucumber in a pot of boiling water will make me feel as good as a facial....and AGAIN, cucumbers do not give off a soothing relaxing fragrance. Wait a minute, let me go try it and see...... OK, here is the verdict..... no,... really,.... I actually did it! I just happened to have a fresh cucumber from the garden in my kitchen (7 pints of bread and butter pickles done today!) So I took one of the two I had left over and sliced it up. Of course, my husband asked me what I was doing, and just kind of shook his head.....BUT , he did make the comment that he smelled the cucumber as I was slicing it. He even said it was a little refreshing....(I don't think I have ever heard him say THAT before) And I will agree, the FRESH cuke FRESH from the garden did have a clean fresh smell as I sliced it, but definitely not a soothing relaxing fragrance. So, trying to be fair I boiled water and dropped the slices in. Went and sat in the family room to see if the anti-stress fragrance would waft around the house.....no luck....went back into the kitchen and stuck my head over the pot to see if it would at least be a good way to suck in the spa aroma and open up the pores of my face....no.....it actually smelled better when I cut it up fresh on the counter. Now, it just smelled like boiling water with soggy cucumber slices. Now, my question....it showed reduced stress in new mothers???? Did anyone take into account that when you did this test on new mothers that they were probably AWAY from their children in a room with nothing but a boiling pot of cucumbers? If I remember my young mother days (and I do!) if someone had asked me to participate in a test to see if my stress would be relived by boiling cucumbers, I would have leaped at the chance to get into a room by myself.....with a pot of ANYTHING. AND I would have told them to let me just sit there a few more minutes because I was SO refreshed and stress free by whatever it was boiling in the pot......or did they mean it relieved the stress of new mothers taking final exams?? As for THAT.......how exactly did that go down? I know getting a good laugh will reduce my stress. Coming into a classroom with a pot of boiling cucumbers during final exams would definitely give me a reason to giggle. And if the reason for the boiling cucumbers was announced I would definitely laugh; however, every student stressed because they had been out partying instead of studying would certainly be sucking in great gulps of air to calm their frazzled nerves hoping for, at the very least, a placebo effect.
#11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.
Wow....this is a good one! I don't have breath mints or gum in my purse or pocket, BUT, I have a baggie of cucumber slices!! How lucky am I that I didn't forget that this morning!!
# 12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.
It may not harm my fingernails, but they will get torn off trying to clean with a slice of cucumber. This is another one I should try, jut to see, but I kind of like my tarnish,.....AND....If you have "years of tarnish" on stuff in your house, have you just been waiting for someone to tell you to use a cucumber, or do you really not give a flip?
OK there were 13 not 12......
# 13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!
I am now convinced that cucumber growers have created this list.....is the outside of a cucumber the peel? If it is, why not just say use cucumber peel as a pen eraser? Can I hold the entire cucumber like a pencil and use it as an eraser, or do I have to peel the cucumber and use said peel as an eraser? And why do I have to do it slowly, will it smear? Will I be able to write over the residue left by cucumber peel? I know... I should probably try it and then answer my own questions....
And, OK, my youngest daughter was an artist extraordinaire when she was a little girl. she didn't just draw on the walls, she scribbled murals at 3 years old, across the walls, the closets, the dressers, her bed, the floor. Forget paper, her medium was drywall and wood. I honestly thought we might have had someone in our family with artistic ability, but, no, she was just destructive.....I didn't bother with cucumber slices to erase her art work. The only thing that worked for me was primer and paint.
So there you have it. The wondrous cucumber and all of its miraculous uses. We have all seen those people with mud masks and cucumber slices on their eyes so there must be something based in reality; however, for me, I would like to leave my reality in the hands of a plastic surgeon for my wrinkles, Dow chemical for cleaning, and xanax for my stress.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Have Cucumber....Will Travel Part 1
OK, if you don't get the title to this post you are not old....or you are not a 60's television buff....
But ANYWAY, I recently got an email that excitedly proclaimed the wonderful uses of the ordinary cucumber. Yes, my friends, the simple cucumber that prolifically grows in home gardens around the world! The mighty cucumber.....Really?? When I was growing up, the cucumber was the one thing I could get my dad to make a face over. He hates cucumbers...... still does to this day, so do my husband and children. I, on the other hand, love cucumbers, so I was intrigued by this email on the powers of the cuke. So I am going to go over the list (there are 12 in the list I will do the first 6; the last 6 will have to come in the next episode) and you can tell me what you think. I, of course, will tell you what I think.
#1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.
OK, What size cucumber are you talking here? They come in every shape and size. Fat with a lot of seeds? Skinny with more flesh? Long? Short? With or without the peel? That makes a big difference! (You know it's with the peel; I am ambivalent about cucumber peels....if it's that waxy junk from the store, no thanks, if it's fresh from the garden, OK, but ya really gotta scrub it.) If you don't like the peel, you have lost most of what it purports to be! And what variety of cucumber? ....Come on, you don't expect me to believe this do you? Who exactly measures the nutrients of a cucumber? There's a lot of water in it you know. Have you ever left a cucumber in the fridge so long it just disintegrates? Really nasty...It looks OK and then you reach for it and it squishes into a mess. Ever freeze a cucumber? Not good....
#2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick- me -up that can last for hours.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Give me a Snickers..........I'll live with the inevitable crash!
#3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.
My bathroom mirror is huge.....I am a macro cleaner....big paper towels, lots of spray, and wide strokes of the arm.......Can you just see me holding a little slice of cucumber rubbing it across the surface of my mirror just to keep it from fogging? I don't want to see myself after a shower anyway...And sorry, one slice of cucumber will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.........Febreeze on steroids will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.....
#4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.
OK, salt on the slugs, and it's a visible lesson in osmosis......plus, I don't think garden pests have noses.....
#5 Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!
I got nothing here.....I mean, really, rubbing cucumber slices on my cellulite?? First of all, no one that has enough cellulite to worry about should be wearing clothing that may expose it....In the case of a bathing suit, who cares? EVERYONE knows themselves well enough on this issue...you either:
But ANYWAY, I recently got an email that excitedly proclaimed the wonderful uses of the ordinary cucumber. Yes, my friends, the simple cucumber that prolifically grows in home gardens around the world! The mighty cucumber.....Really?? When I was growing up, the cucumber was the one thing I could get my dad to make a face over. He hates cucumbers...... still does to this day, so do my husband and children. I, on the other hand, love cucumbers, so I was intrigued by this email on the powers of the cuke. So I am going to go over the list (there are 12 in the list I will do the first 6; the last 6 will have to come in the next episode) and you can tell me what you think. I, of course, will tell you what I think.
#1. Cucumbers contain most of the vitamins you need every day, just one cucumber contains Vitamin B1, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B3, Vitamin B5, Vitamin B6, Folic Acid, Vitamin C, Calcium, Iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium and Zinc.
OK, What size cucumber are you talking here? They come in every shape and size. Fat with a lot of seeds? Skinny with more flesh? Long? Short? With or without the peel? That makes a big difference! (You know it's with the peel; I am ambivalent about cucumber peels....if it's that waxy junk from the store, no thanks, if it's fresh from the garden, OK, but ya really gotta scrub it.) If you don't like the peel, you have lost most of what it purports to be! And what variety of cucumber? ....Come on, you don't expect me to believe this do you? Who exactly measures the nutrients of a cucumber? There's a lot of water in it you know. Have you ever left a cucumber in the fridge so long it just disintegrates? Really nasty...It looks OK and then you reach for it and it squishes into a mess. Ever freeze a cucumber? Not good....
#2. Feeling tired in the afternoon, put down the caffeinated soda and pick up a cucumber. Cucumbers are a good source of B Vitamins and Carbohydrates that can provide that quick pick- me -up that can last for hours.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Give me a Snickers..........I'll live with the inevitable crash!
#3. Tired of your bathroom mirror fogging up after a shower? Try rubbing a cucumber slice along the mirror, it will eliminate the fog and provide a soothing, spa-like fragrance.
My bathroom mirror is huge.....I am a macro cleaner....big paper towels, lots of spray, and wide strokes of the arm.......Can you just see me holding a little slice of cucumber rubbing it across the surface of my mirror just to keep it from fogging? I don't want to see myself after a shower anyway...And sorry, one slice of cucumber will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.........Febreeze on steroids will not make my bathroom smell like a spa.....
#4. Are grubs and slugs ruining your planting beds? Place a few slices in a small pie tin and your garden will be free of pests all season long. The chemicals in the cucumber react with the aluminum to give off a scent undetectable to humans but drive garden pests crazy and make them flee the area.
OK, salt on the slugs, and it's a visible lesson in osmosis......plus, I don't think garden pests have noses.....
#5 Looking for a fast and easy way to remove cellulite before going out or to the pool? Try rubbing a slice or two of cucumbers along your problem area for a few minutes, the phytochemicals in the cucumber cause the collagen in your skin to tighten, firming up the outer layer and reducing the visibility of cellulite. Works great on wrinkles too!!!
I got nothing here.....I mean, really, rubbing cucumber slices on my cellulite?? First of all, no one that has enough cellulite to worry about should be wearing clothing that may expose it....In the case of a bathing suit, who cares? EVERYONE knows themselves well enough on this issue...you either:
- Look great and flaunt it
- Think you look great and flaunt it
- Look fat/thin/scrawny/too tan/blazing white/freckly/short/tall/bulgy and don't care
- NEVER wear a bathing suit because you don't want to make anyone go blind.
I think most of humanity fits in under the 3rd bullet point. I have spent a lifetime looking around and let's face it, there are no naturally living people that are 10's....The only scale that should be important to you is the one you have of yourself, I am about a 3, but my kids think I am somewhere between 7-10 depending on the day. (Well, not in a bathing suit....) That's good enough for me. How long can a cucumber scrub last anyway? You go in the pool looking tight and when you come out you got dimples from head to toe?? (And do men care about cellulite? Do they get cellulite? See?? We don't even notice! Many men can put on a speedo and strut around like the cock of the hen house! That would be bullet point 2.)
#6. Want to avoid a hangover or terrible headache? Eat a few cucumber slices before going to bed and wake up refreshed and headache free. Cucumbers contain enough sugar, B vitamins and electrolytes to replenish essential nutrients the body lost, keeping everything in equilibrium, avoiding both a hangover and headache!!
Yeah, right......I can see it now, stumbling into the kitchen to eat a cucumber after a night out partying. Who really wants a drunk to have a knife in their hand ready to slice up veggies to prevent a hangover/headache? And....Yumm, eating cucumbers on top of buffalo wings, beer, Mohitos, Margaritas, nachos, and chili...The only thing a cucumber might add is something to the color palette when it gets barfed up. If you are sober enough to slice and eat a cucumber after being out drinking, you won't have a hangover anyway.
Knowing these things doesn't change my attitude toward the simple cucumber, I will still eat it, but I won't smear it on my mirrors or my thighs, will not try to tighten up those wrinkles around my eyes (sleep, something that I have a hard time doing, helps more), use it as a room freshener or test it out to see if I can tie one on and not suffer the consequences. But I will keep these things in mind, just in case I get as bored as the person who put this list together did.
Saturday, July 03, 2010
RIP Green Car......
So, I was on call this past Thursday night (Editors note: This happened May 20th, not last Thursday) when my car decided that it had had enough. It decided that it was comfortable in its "place of park" and refused to move. I arrived to see my last patient of the night and returned to my car at about 11:15 pm. Deciding that I would finish all my charting on the computer before driving home, I plugged in and started tapping away on all my patients. About 45 minutes in, all the lights in my car gave a sudden surge and then dimmed. It was enough for me to think "What the heck just happened?" Now, usually when I work on the computer in my car, the car is running because I am doing clean up work on whatever chart is up. Tonight, I had major notes to write because I had been going from one patient to the next without taking time to chart.
Anyway, I reached for the keys and tried to turn over the ignition. That awful sound of "clicktey click" and then nothing. What the heck had I done? That sound reminded me of starters going bad, but my first thought was that I had killed the battery because I had not had the car running while I had the computer running. NOT good.....it's midnight, and I'm not done charting either...OK, so what do I notice? Well, because I have been up 19 hours, the light of intelligence was dim. There was something going on in the car that was just not congruent with what I thought was the matter. Let's see, battery dead....battery dead....battery dead..... but something else was telling me differently. Finally it dawned on me! There were still dim lights on in the car! The clock light was on, when I opened the door the interior light came on, and the headlights were automatic when I tried to start the car......sooooooo what exactly does that mean??? Focus girl, you can figures this out!! Oh yeah, the battery must not be dead, or at least must not be all the way dead. Did I mention that I had rolled down my electric windows cause it was a beautiful night and the car was stuffy? Yeah, well, they wouldn't go up now. No sweat! I will sit here and wait for the battery to recharge.....Can I do that??? Don't I remember that if you give it a chance it will beef up again, or recharge from the alternator, or have a magic wire infuse it with juice or something? I will just sit tight. I am in a lighted parking lot, it is 12:15 am, and as long as I don't get a call, I will be alright. OK.....waiting.....waiting....waiting.... Have I ever mentioned that I have the patience of an ant? Let me try this again. Turn the ignition and HEY!!! it didn't clickity click .......it actually gave a little chug......before it died again with no sound at all. OK, OK, I will give it a LOT of time to do whatever it is it does to juice up again. I'll give it an HOUR...that ought to do it. Waiting......waiting......waiting......maybe 5 minutes will do it. Smaller chug to nothingness....OK. Someone is coming out of the facility....
Me: "Do you have jumper cables?" I ask.
Them: "Is your car not starting?"
Me: In thought: "No, I just really need to know if you have jumper cables, I'm taking a survey for Auto Digest."
Me: "Yeah, I think I need a jump."
Them: "Sorry, I don't have any, you may want to check inside to see if anyone may have some."
Me: In thought: "Go to ...."
Me: "OK, thank you , I will do that, have a good night."
No need for me to go inside...........If I am patient, this car will start....... 12:30, 12:40.......AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Somebody SHOOT me! I don't want to call my husband. I am 25 miles away and it's early in the morning, and he is usually fast asleep by 10:00.......I call him anyway.
Me: "The car is dead."
Him: " Oh boy, you want me come and get you?"
Me: "No, no, I am going to go inside and see if anyone has some jumper cables." Translation; "Please come and get me, I'm tired and I want to go home. Car stuff is your thing...I just drive."
SOOOOOOO I go back into the facility...... mind you, I left the patient an hour and half ago and the shift has changed....
Me: "Can I get in, please?"
Them: "Why do you need to get in?"
Me: " I was just in seeing a patient and my car died and now I need to ask if anyone has jumper cables." Translation: Let me in or I will tear your head off your shoulders, I am just that grouchy....
Them: " I don't think anyone has any jumper cables. We don't usually let anyone in at this time of night. I don't remember you seeing any patient."
Me: In thought: "Go to ....!!"
Me: " I know, I have been out here for awhile. Can I just go through to security and ask if they have any cables?"
Them: "SIIIGGGHHH...I guess so."
Me: In thought: "Go To .... Now"
Me: "Thank you so much, I appreciate it!"
So I walk from the nursing home side allllllll the way to the assisted living side to the one lone security guard that has a walkie talkie.
Me: "Excuse me, can you tell me if there may be any jumper cables available anywhere on the site?"
Him: "Jumper Cables??"
Me: In Thought: "Why is this so freaking hard to understand???"
Me: "Yes, my car has died and I was wondering if you had any jumper cables." Which now that I think back, makes me think even if they had had them, who would have given me a jump? Certainly none on these guys!!!
Him: "Well, let me see if anyone knows."
He then proceeds to use his walkie talkie to page ONE guy........
Him: "Hey, Joe (or whatever his name was), do we have any jumper cables?"
Joe: "Jumper cables??"
Me: WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Him: "Yeah"
Joe: "I don't think so."
Him: "Sorry, we don't have any jumper cables."
Did I mention that both these guys had that cool Nigerian accent?? I don't think either one of them knew what jumper cables were......
So I walk allllllll the way back to the nursing home side.
Woman Who Didn't Want To Let Me In: "Did they have any?"
Me: In thought: "Bite Me!"
Me: " No, I'm afraid not."
Woman Who Didn't Want To Let Me In: "I didn't think so."
Me: Just keep walking or they will haul you away for murder......
So now it's after 1:00 in the morning and I call back husband, who had actually stayed up and had been waiting for me to come home before the first call.
Me: "Well, no one has any jumper cables."
Him: "You want me to come and get you?"
Me:"Well...."
Him: "Or do you want to call AAA?"
Me: ???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I totally forget that I had AAA???? And WHY did husband let me go on a cable chase??? For crying out loud, let me call AAA.
So, since I couldn't find my AAA card, I wrote down the number, (which you really don't need, all you gotta do is give them your name.) and made the call.
Within 30 minutes, My Hero had arrived. He wanted me to put the car in neutral so he could push it back , but my car won't come out of park because you have to step on the brake to move it out of park, and the brakes are power brakes and with no power it doesn't engage, and.....well suffice it to say it stayed where it was. Thankfully the person that came out of the facility way back a long time ago when I first asked for jumper cables, had vacated the spot next to my car and My Hero's big truck just fit into the space to reach me. It took a few minutes, but it did start.
My Hero told me that the battery needed to be replaced.........Really??? Well now, I must look into that......
So, with my engine running, My Hero took off. I sat there just wanting the electrical juice to infuse to a steady state before I left. I put the car in reverse, backed up 6 feet, and it started sputtering and coughing like an 80 year old with bronchitis. Every time I eased off the gas, it would give a violent leap and cough.....definitely a death rattle.........My Hero was now a Big Fat Jerk for leaving me there without making sure that I could drive that car.....And I gave him 10 bucks!
I attempted to pull back into the safety of the parking spot, but to no avail......My 2000 hunter green Buick Regal, gave a shudder, a spit, and went peacefully to the Other Side....
I call back husband........
Me: "The car is dead."
Him: "What happened?"
Me: "Big Fat Jerk jumped car, car started, Big Fat Jerk left, car died"
Him: "I'll come and get you."
Me:" I'll be here."
So here I sit in the middle of the drive space at about 2 in the morning, waiting for husband to come and get me. At one point a car pulls AROUND me and flips his lights, as if I am sitting there on purpose....well, I am sitting there on purpose, but you know what I mean...he didn't even stop......Course, it could have been the sight of a wild-haired crazy-eyed blond, with smudges of 22 hour-old make up smeared across her face that scared the bejeebies out of him as the lights crossed my countenance that made him continue on without stopping......
So husband comes, sees the car in the middle of the road and says we can't leave the car there. Solution??? We need to call AAA again. Now it's about 2:30 in the morning. Another call to AAA brings My Hero #2 out to the facility with a flat bed. I'm sitting in husbands truck...I don't care if I ever see the car again.......I just want to go home. Hero # 2 follows us home with the car. Another 10 bucks to Hero# 2. Now it's 3:30 in the morning, I have been up for 23 hours, (no problem, I am good for 36, I just talk funny.)
So how do I end this? Just saying "I went to bed." seems anticlimactic. Oh! I know! I will tell you what the mechanic said when husband took it in for repair....
Along with its other ailments, a tie rod that was almost shot was ready to break and could have sent me, as the mechanic put it, "out of control into a crash and a fiery death." After putting this on FaceBook, this comment was made:
"Cool! Given the choice, I'd rather have words like "out of control" and "fiery death" in my obituary than "injuries related to rolling off the couch while watching TV."
I love that perspective!!!
Anyway, I reached for the keys and tried to turn over the ignition. That awful sound of "clicktey click" and then nothing. What the heck had I done? That sound reminded me of starters going bad, but my first thought was that I had killed the battery because I had not had the car running while I had the computer running. NOT good.....it's midnight, and I'm not done charting either...OK, so what do I notice? Well, because I have been up 19 hours, the light of intelligence was dim. There was something going on in the car that was just not congruent with what I thought was the matter. Let's see, battery dead....battery dead....battery dead..... but something else was telling me differently. Finally it dawned on me! There were still dim lights on in the car! The clock light was on, when I opened the door the interior light came on, and the headlights were automatic when I tried to start the car......sooooooo what exactly does that mean??? Focus girl, you can figures this out!! Oh yeah, the battery must not be dead, or at least must not be all the way dead. Did I mention that I had rolled down my electric windows cause it was a beautiful night and the car was stuffy? Yeah, well, they wouldn't go up now. No sweat! I will sit here and wait for the battery to recharge.....Can I do that??? Don't I remember that if you give it a chance it will beef up again, or recharge from the alternator, or have a magic wire infuse it with juice or something? I will just sit tight. I am in a lighted parking lot, it is 12:15 am, and as long as I don't get a call, I will be alright. OK.....waiting.....waiting....waiting.... Have I ever mentioned that I have the patience of an ant? Let me try this again. Turn the ignition and HEY!!! it didn't clickity click .......it actually gave a little chug......before it died again with no sound at all. OK, OK, I will give it a LOT of time to do whatever it is it does to juice up again. I'll give it an HOUR...that ought to do it. Waiting......waiting......waiting......maybe 5 minutes will do it. Smaller chug to nothingness....OK. Someone is coming out of the facility....
Me: "Do you have jumper cables?" I ask.
Them: "Is your car not starting?"
Me: In thought: "No, I just really need to know if you have jumper cables, I'm taking a survey for Auto Digest."
Me: "Yeah, I think I need a jump."
Them: "Sorry, I don't have any, you may want to check inside to see if anyone may have some."
Me: In thought: "Go to ...."
Me: "OK, thank you , I will do that, have a good night."
No need for me to go inside...........If I am patient, this car will start....... 12:30, 12:40.......AGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Somebody SHOOT me! I don't want to call my husband. I am 25 miles away and it's early in the morning, and he is usually fast asleep by 10:00.......I call him anyway.
Me: "The car is dead."
Him: " Oh boy, you want me come and get you?"
Me: "No, no, I am going to go inside and see if anyone has some jumper cables." Translation; "Please come and get me, I'm tired and I want to go home. Car stuff is your thing...I just drive."
SOOOOOOO I go back into the facility...... mind you, I left the patient an hour and half ago and the shift has changed....
Me: "Can I get in, please?"
Them: "Why do you need to get in?"
Me: " I was just in seeing a patient and my car died and now I need to ask if anyone has jumper cables." Translation: Let me in or I will tear your head off your shoulders, I am just that grouchy....
Them: " I don't think anyone has any jumper cables. We don't usually let anyone in at this time of night. I don't remember you seeing any patient."
Me: In thought: "Go to ....!!"
Me: " I know, I have been out here for awhile. Can I just go through to security and ask if they have any cables?"
Them: "SIIIGGGHHH...I guess so."
Me: In thought: "Go To .... Now"
Me: "Thank you so much, I appreciate it!"
So I walk from the nursing home side allllllll the way to the assisted living side to the one lone security guard that has a walkie talkie.
Me: "Excuse me, can you tell me if there may be any jumper cables available anywhere on the site?"
Him: "Jumper Cables??"
Me: In Thought: "Why is this so freaking hard to understand???"
Me: "Yes, my car has died and I was wondering if you had any jumper cables." Which now that I think back, makes me think even if they had had them, who would have given me a jump? Certainly none on these guys!!!
Him: "Well, let me see if anyone knows."
He then proceeds to use his walkie talkie to page ONE guy........
Him: "Hey, Joe (or whatever his name was), do we have any jumper cables?"
Joe: "Jumper cables??"
Me: WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!
Him: "Yeah"
Joe: "I don't think so."
Him: "Sorry, we don't have any jumper cables."
Did I mention that both these guys had that cool Nigerian accent?? I don't think either one of them knew what jumper cables were......
So I walk allllllll the way back to the nursing home side.
Woman Who Didn't Want To Let Me In: "Did they have any?"
Me: In thought: "Bite Me!"
Me: " No, I'm afraid not."
Woman Who Didn't Want To Let Me In: "I didn't think so."
Me: Just keep walking or they will haul you away for murder......
So now it's after 1:00 in the morning and I call back husband, who had actually stayed up and had been waiting for me to come home before the first call.
Me: "Well, no one has any jumper cables."
Him: "You want me to come and get you?"
Me:"Well...."
Him: "Or do you want to call AAA?"
Me: ???????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Why did I totally forget that I had AAA???? And WHY did husband let me go on a cable chase??? For crying out loud, let me call AAA.
So, since I couldn't find my AAA card, I wrote down the number, (which you really don't need, all you gotta do is give them your name.) and made the call.
Within 30 minutes, My Hero had arrived. He wanted me to put the car in neutral so he could push it back , but my car won't come out of park because you have to step on the brake to move it out of park, and the brakes are power brakes and with no power it doesn't engage, and.....well suffice it to say it stayed where it was. Thankfully the person that came out of the facility way back a long time ago when I first asked for jumper cables, had vacated the spot next to my car and My Hero's big truck just fit into the space to reach me. It took a few minutes, but it did start.
My Hero told me that the battery needed to be replaced.........Really??? Well now, I must look into that......
So, with my engine running, My Hero took off. I sat there just wanting the electrical juice to infuse to a steady state before I left. I put the car in reverse, backed up 6 feet, and it started sputtering and coughing like an 80 year old with bronchitis. Every time I eased off the gas, it would give a violent leap and cough.....definitely a death rattle.........My Hero was now a Big Fat Jerk for leaving me there without making sure that I could drive that car.....And I gave him 10 bucks!
I attempted to pull back into the safety of the parking spot, but to no avail......My 2000 hunter green Buick Regal, gave a shudder, a spit, and went peacefully to the Other Side....
I call back husband........
Me: "The car is dead."
Him: "What happened?"
Me: "Big Fat Jerk jumped car, car started, Big Fat Jerk left, car died"
Him: "I'll come and get you."
Me:" I'll be here."
So here I sit in the middle of the drive space at about 2 in the morning, waiting for husband to come and get me. At one point a car pulls AROUND me and flips his lights, as if I am sitting there on purpose....well, I am sitting there on purpose, but you know what I mean...he didn't even stop......Course, it could have been the sight of a wild-haired crazy-eyed blond, with smudges of 22 hour-old make up smeared across her face that scared the bejeebies out of him as the lights crossed my countenance that made him continue on without stopping......
So husband comes, sees the car in the middle of the road and says we can't leave the car there. Solution??? We need to call AAA again. Now it's about 2:30 in the morning. Another call to AAA brings My Hero #2 out to the facility with a flat bed. I'm sitting in husbands truck...I don't care if I ever see the car again.......I just want to go home. Hero # 2 follows us home with the car. Another 10 bucks to Hero# 2. Now it's 3:30 in the morning, I have been up for 23 hours, (no problem, I am good for 36, I just talk funny.)
So how do I end this? Just saying "I went to bed." seems anticlimactic. Oh! I know! I will tell you what the mechanic said when husband took it in for repair....
Along with its other ailments, a tie rod that was almost shot was ready to break and could have sent me, as the mechanic put it, "out of control into a crash and a fiery death." After putting this on FaceBook, this comment was made:
"Cool! Given the choice, I'd rather have words like "out of control" and "fiery death" in my obituary than "injuries related to rolling off the couch while watching TV."
I love that perspective!!!
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