No More Death Breath!

This is my dog Ed. I love Ed. As you can see, he is pretty good size. His top weight was around 135 pounds, but he is down to about 109 now. Ed will be 11 years old this year. I took Ed to the vet last week because he had a tumor on his eye. Well, it was under his eyelid, but it began to grow out. The vet said it had to come out, so on Friday he went to have surgery. The vet said he would clean his teeth too. I had wanted to get that done for a long time cause Ed has Death Breath. I mean when he pants, he could clear a room. I just thought that dogs had nasty breath because they sometimes ate nasty things. Just so you know, dogs can have Death Breath because they have a bad tooth. (WARNING! WARNING! GROSS STUFF AHEAD!)My poor Ed had a hole in the gum by his back molar that had become necrotic and filled with.........well, suffice it to say it was bad. The roots of his tooth were exposed and he had a pus pocket along his jowl. (I am sure this was the source of the said Death Breath)The vet took pictures and showed them to me. (Those of you that know me will know that I found that cool. Somebody has to like doing this kind of stuff, or we would all walk around with yucky things on us and our pets!) Anyway, the eye is fixed, the teeth are fixed, and Ed is like new. No more pushing him away when he looks up at me with those big brown eyes and then belches. Thats a sign of love from a dog you know! The vet said he had the blood work of a 2 year old, which makes me happy. I hope Eddie is around for a while to come. Just don't ask me what all this cost...I still wince a little. But look at my big baby! It was worth it.

What's In A Name?

I need some stress relief. I have had way to much to do lately. For some reason, coming here and doing a post takes my mind off of the things I should be doing. I am not sure if that is good or not. Probably not, since it is taking me away from the things I should be doing. Procrastination is one of my strong points......I need to talk about that another day.

Anyway, I was reading over my posts, and I saw that I use the word 'moron' a lot. That is not particularly nice. Although, if the shoe fits..........Well, I decided that I should be nicer; but then I got to thinking about the word moron. If my memory is correct, words like moron, idiot,and imbecile were once psychiatric terms that described an IQ level or a level of mental disability. If you were a moron, you were mildly disabled, if you were an imbecile, you took it up a notch, and if you were an idiot, you were profoundly disabled. So, really if I call you a moron, I am only saying you are mildly stupid! It's not like I am calling you an idiot! If you look these words up in the dictionary, it says they don't use them clinically anymore because they are considered an insult these days.

So, if it was around 1900 and I called you a moron it would be a medical term. Can you just imagine?..................."Mr. Jones, I have to advise you that after our testing, we have found that you are a moron, which is not as bad as an imbecile and far better than an idiot! So cheer up and have a wonderful day!"

Did you know that "numbskull" is in the dictionary? You can spell it "numbskull" or "numskull". I would have to say that "numbskull" is more appropriate. You know, indicating that your head is numb and all. The definition is.....n. a stupid person. Couldn't that also be an adjective? Let's see, person place or thing as a noun....Descriptor as an adjective..."He is a numbskull!" I am trying to bring up my sentence diagramming skills from elementary school.....You know, they don't do that any more. I always liked diagramming sentences, it was fun.

Going on with the name thing, if I were stupid, and I looked it up in the dictionary to find out what it meant, would I understand it? And did you know that 'stupidness' is a word??!! It is right in the dictionary and is a noun. So now I can say "His stupidness was unbelievable!" and be right!

But I digress. The whole point was I am going to try to be nicer. I don't ever call people names to their face because it isn't nice. So I will try not to do it in my mind or on my posts....How does 'dumb' strike you?

Out Of Control

That's my youngest daughter's latest catch phrase. Everything and everybody that she finds annoying or unbelievable is "out of control!" That includes me, of course, I am often 'out of control' in her eyes. However, I must say that the stories she has brought home from her job of about 9 months definitely fit the description. She is in retail. We all know that working with the public puts you in contact with some mighty strange characters. I won't mention the store, I don't need any lawsuits, but she works in one of those stores that sells "pretty stuff" that women like to buy. Here I now give you my first list of "you gotta be kidding me!" stories. I am sure that more will come in the future; stupid and annoying and nervy people are never in short supply.

#5.) A woman comes in to return a fitted sheet. No receipt, no tag to even prove it came from the store, just a torn sheet and bringing her mother along with her.

Customer:I bought this sheet a year ago, and it has a rip. I don't understand why it would rip after only a year!

Customer's mother: I have sheets that are 35 years old and they haven't ripped!

Lindsey, staring blankly, "Let me call the manager." (Translation :"I can't handle this.")

Manager: I am sorry but you can't return the sheet after a year with no receipt. We don't even know if it came from this store (I am sure she wanted to add 'you moron you' at the end of that sentence)

The argument goes on for 20 minutes. The mother is appalled that a sheet would rip after only one year after HER sheets have lasted 35 years. I have some old stuff in my house, and probably some sheets that are 30 years old, but I don't think I would bring that up. It just kind of grosses me out. The store won on this one, no return allowed.

#4.) The police are called to the shopping center because a young woman has had her car stolen. Police arrive, start writing a stolen car report and the girl spots her car. OOPS!, Sorry officer, I just forgot where I parked my car..............That girl has a drivers license??

#3.) Woman comes in to return a very expensive bedset ($400 expensive enough for you?)

Customer: "I want to return this, it's faded. I took it to the dry cleaners, but it still faded."

(You know those little material balls that appear on your pillow? They were all over these pillows)

Lindsey: "Do you have a receipt?"

Customer "Oh yes, I just want to pick out a whole new set to replace this one!"

About an HOUR later the woman appears at the check-out with her new expensive bedset. The exchange rate was not exactly equal so she kept asking 'How much do I have left?' and then she would run off to get this or that doo dad to make up the difference. All free of course, because she just wanted an even exchange, you know. (Blink, Blink go my innocent eyes)

Now for the receipt................It's dated September 2004. She has had this bed set for 10 months!! But of course, that is not all. On the same receipt is the evidence of another return. Seems that last September she returned a very expensive bedset that she had had for almost a year and made an even exchange for the bedset she is now returning 10 months later. What kind of racket is that? She has figured a way to redecorate her bedroom every year without spending a dime. "Gee, and if I can find a good one on sale, I can get some doo dads to go with it!" Now that is nerve. BTW, she was able to do this without any questions.

#2.) OK, the theme seems to center around what some people have the nerve to return. Here's one for you. Customer comes in and wants to return a foot spa. You know, you fill it up with water and then it does wonderful things for your feet? Now correct me if I am wrong, but I don't usually buy anything if a box is open unless I really want it and it's the last one. However, I surely will look through the box if it is damaged or opened to make sure everything is there. I make the assumption that this box was intact when the customer bought it. So, a foot spa, the customer believes that it has been used and it is missing a piece or two. Customer wants a direct exchange.......no problem, the store is there to please their customers. Customer brings new product to checkout, this receipt is only about a week old, cashier (Lindsey) opens the returned foot spa in front of the customer. The box is wet.....the plastic wrapped around the spa is wet......the spa is wet........Cashier and customer make eye contact.........customer has a poker face.......Cashier sighs, puts the wet spa back into the box and says "You're good to go..." you moron you....Now I say to you, was this a cruel joke at the foot spa factory where Joe and Buddy decide it would be hilarious if they got everything wet before they packaged this foot spa? No, wait, wouldn't be able to enjoy that in person...AT LEAST DRY IT OFF BEFORE YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO RETURN IT!

#1.) Not all people are clever enough, like those above, to think of ideas on how to steal without admitting they are actually stealing. Some people are quite direct about what they believe they should have for free. Take this case that I place at #1....Very large man comes into the store early one morning. Early is good, before everyone is alert enough to do much more than stare at your audaciousness (sp? or is that a word?) Anyway, he is large enough to be intimidating to the women that run a "pretty stuff" store. Walks directly to one of the most expensive items in the store, a Dyson vacuum cleaner (I love mine!) picks it up and heads toward the checkout. The cashier, (not Lindsey) says: "I can take you right here." He says, "Oh, right here?" and points to the counter, but continues to walk directly out of the store to a waiting jeep that sits in front of the store where his lovely accomplice waits. He loads the vacuum into the Jeep, gets behind the wheel of the car, and drives off, extending his arm out of the window and giving the middle finger salute to all in the store. What more can I add to that? Everyone just kind of looked at each other. They didn't even call the police, what's the point?

But......I have a bonus one here. Lindsey's personal favorite, and mine too, I must say.

Woman buys a candy bar. Leaves the store. Comes back later with half a candy bar. "I don't like this candy bar. I want to return it and get my money back." You'll be happy to know that that one didn't get a refund.

Compassion Is My Life

I am a nurse. I love nursing; although I don't do it full time. My full time work is in clinical research at a (gasp! choke!) pharmaceutical company. Yes, I belong to the evil empire, the "big drug company" as the media like to descibe us. It's much easier to hate something that doesn't have an identity you know. Maybe I will post on that another time, but for now, it is my other job on which I will go into a diatribe.

So what is nursing all about? Some still like to think of us as those young women in white, including the cap, that float tirelessly from patient to patient giving back rubs and tending their wounds until they are well.................well......no, it's not. First of all, the average age these days is 45. Unless you want dogs that kill you, a back that feels like it is breaking, and people that feel that you are there to wait on them hand and foot, nursing is not a career path for you. OK that is a bit harsh, but I just finished a 16 hour shift.....Secondly, the nursing cap has gone the way of the buggy whip. With so many men in the field these days, they would look a little funny with the cap anyway.
Most nurses are sleep deprived, (shift work will do that to you) not sure what day it is, (shift work will do that to you), can eat any type of food at any time of day (shift work will do that to you), and can be distracted trying to remember if everything was done before they left their shift. Did I mention the shift work? It isn't uncommon to get a call or make a call to the nurse that just relieved you or you just relieved telling them something that was important, or making sure something was done that you were pretty sure you did but can't remember.

There are rewards. The money can be good, but if you are getting into the field for the money.....please don't. Patients like to talk to us. They tell us things they won't tell the doctor. We want to listen, but one of our biggest complaints is that we don't always have the time to do that. When someone goes home better than when they came in, that makes us happy, especially if we helped that through the long nights. When someone doesn't make it, we are there to cry with those who are left. We encourage all kinds of bodily functions and noises that would be rude outside the walls of the unit. Some times we even clap and cheer for those functions and noises. Some really funny things happen, some really gross things happen, (just a hint...always wear gloves before you plunge your hand under a patient) some really sad things happen. We get to peek into the lives of others and enrich ourselves along the way. Do I get tired of telling the same gentleman to please put down his gown, his privates aren't going to go anywhere? Sometimes. Do I get tired of the 25th request for ice while I am running down the hall to someone that can't get their breath? Sometimes. Do I get tired of the "I pay your salary, you need to come when I call!" Definitely. I don't do it full time...bless those that do. It's now Friday again, my job for the week is over...I have a double shift tomorrow. I'm pretty sure some more stuff will happen during that time

Some of My Favorite Movie Lines

Just for fun....Here are some of my favorite movie lines. Can you name the movie, characters, and/or situation surrounding the line? (This should be a cake walk for you movie guys! Most are too famous to get wrong, but the key is they are some of my favorites.) One is actually from a television show. Can you name it?

In no particular order:

"What we have heah (here) is failure to communicate."

"Arugala, it's a veg-i-ta-ble!"

"He did not choose wisely."

"We're gonna need a bigger boat."

"You can't handle the truth!!"

"Dying' ain't much of a livin', boy."

"The yoots? What is a yoot?"

"Badges?We don't need no stinkin' badges!"

"Hello, My name is Talking Tina, and I am going to kill you"

"The shoes, right? The shoes are tragic."

"This was no boating accident!"

"I have green sandwiches and brown sandwiches.....It's either very new cheese or very old meat."

"I have one word for you... 'Plastics!'"

This is Technology II???

OK, My telephone is STILL not working. I did what they told me to do. I called the number for repairs. Another Voice-O-Matic wanted all of my vital statistics. Another wait. Another very nice repair type guy got on the phone. Please repeat your vital statisitcs. Here is the converstation:

Him: What is the telephone number that is having the problem?
Me: xxx-xxx-xxxx
Him: Are you calling from that number now?
Me:?????????(I had to take the phone away from my ear and just look at it)
Me: (Politely) No, my phone is not working, there is no dial tone, and I cannot use it. (I can't imagine what would be wrong with a phone I can use to call the repair guy with.)
Him: Do you have any cordless phones?
Me: Yes, 3.
Him: Did you check to see if they are all turned off or hung up?
Me: No, I have the IQ of a handball. (I didn't really say that of course)
Me: Yes.
Him: Sounds like you need to reset your phone.
Me: OK, how do I do that?
Him: Unplug all of the phones from the jacks in the wall, let them sit for 5 minutes, and then plug the corded phone in first and see if you have a dial tone then you can plug in the other phones. Do you have an answering machine?
Me: Yes.
Him: Unplug that from the wall too.
Me: Do I have to unplug them from the wall jacks or can I just unplug the jack from the phone?
Him: No, you have to unplug the phones from the wall jacks.
Me: SIGH
Him: Oh, there is a test box outside that has test jacks that you can plug a phone into to see if it is the phone line that is not working. You can test your line there too; but try the reset.
Me:OK
Him: If the reset doesn't work, call us back and we will take it from there.

Can you see where this is going???

Me:OK

Now, I ask you....what would be the smart thing to do here? If I really didn't have the IQ of a handball, I probably would have gone straight to the test box and ruled that out first. Right? Oh no, not I. You see, I have a history of being obedient to the forces that appear to have more authority or knowledge than me. (I still struggle with that and am trying to question authority more....because it is my firm belief that most people are not all they claim to be. I am getting better, but you would never know it from this move. Pretty sad for a woman over 50.)

Anyway, there are 3 cordless phones and 2 corded phones for this number. Did you know that the wall jacks are all behind or under something else? The worst is in my office. I have a dual jack that plugs in 2 different numbers behind my desk that weighs approximately 1000 pounds.
I WILL get to it. So I got on top of the desk and reached behind it (the jack is smack in the middle of the wall behnd the desk) knocking over modems, speakers, clocks, papers, and falling into the computer monitor in the process. I did get it unplugged. Guess what? It didn't work. Now I had to plug it back in. Here was the conversation with my youngest son(19).

Me: Brent! Can you come here a minute?
Him: What?
Me: Can you get behind here and plug this back in?
Him: Mom! why didn't you just ask me to help you?
Me: 'Cause I can do it.
Him: No you can't. Here, let me do it.

Now he is kneeling on the desk reaching behind the desk, but not knocking over all of the things I knocked over, or falling into the monitor.

Him: Which one goes in which outlet?
Me: mmmmmmmm....The top one? (Handball moment)

Now he has plugged them in, but of course, the lines were reversed and he had to get back on the desk again and switch the lines.

In the meantime, my lifelong sweetheart has gone out to the test box and determined that the line is bad by testing the line in the phone jack there.

Now to call back the repair guy.

Call, Voice-O-Matic, life history, repair guy, life history

Him: The phone didn't work when you plugged it into the test box jack?
Me: No.
Him: Well, I will write up a repair order and send someone out tomorrow. He will be out sometime between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m. Will someone be there in case he needs to get into the house?
Me:(%*&#zk&)....Your guess is as good as mine.

Between 8 a.m. and 7 p.m.??????

Take a guess what time he showed up.... 6:55 p.m. He plugged his test phone into the test box and the line didn't work. He said: "The line is bad."

Is this for real?

They are going to send someone out tomorow to fix it.

My phone still doesn't work.

This is technology???

So, my telephone stopped working this morning. All you get when you call is a busy signal. This should make me happy since no one can call me and I hate to talk on the phone anyway, because I can never think of anything to say, and none of my friends call me anyway because I must be terribly boring because I can never think of anything to say............that's true. Obviously, I am much better talking to myself.

Anyway, I had to get it fixed. How do you get the phone fixed, you say.? Why, you call the phone company of course!! The problem with that is ever since Ma Bell was broken up because we thought she was a monopoly, (You young'uns don't remember this I am sure, but there was a time that there was only one supplier of telephone service: Bell Telephone. We could blame everything on them. They took it well and fixed our service when it was down. It worked quite nicely. One bill, one service, no complications. We didn't even own the phones! And they NEVER broke! You could throw those babies against a wall!) it has become more and more confusing as to who does what to whom. I have 2 telephone lines into my home. I also have a telephone line in PA that rings into one of my Delaware numbers. I also have 5 cell phones. (Why?) These services are billed to me by Verizon, Cingular, Nextel, and MCI...........I called AT&T to get my telephone line fixed. Wasn't Verizon and AT&T the same at one time? Didn't AT&T merge with Cingular? Doesn't that make them all the same company? So I called. I was told by an automated voice to please give my name, telephone number with area code, address, age, yearly income, number of dependents and do I want to continue in Spanish.....The Voice-O-Matic then told me I would have a 7 minute waiting period until I could speak to a representative. Seven full minutes with elevator music and a repetative message every 30 seconds telling me how much my call meant to them and please don't hang up because if you do, you go to the back of the line. All the while, I knew that when I finally got to speak to a representative that I would have the wrong number...and I did. When my friendly representatve came on the line I had to repeat to her the same information I had already given to Voice-O-Matic. Why in the world do we have to repeat the same things over and over and over? You cannot convince me that there is no way to transfer information that you have already spoken into the system to the person handling your call. Of course the words came that I knew would come, "I am sorry, we don't handle your service; it says here that you have Verizon local services." How can they know that, but I don't?
I was polite.
Me:"Can you give me a number that I can call?
Them: "I don't think so."
Me: "You have no idea of who I can call?"
Them: "No, Do you have a recent bill?"
Me: "Not at hand."
Them:"I would be glad to open an account with you for your services now. We can give you a good bundled package."
Me: "Huh? No, I just want my phone fixed."
Them: "Are you sure? We have a good package that includes.....(I stopped listening)
Me: (Still polite with an edge) "No thank you, I just want to get my phone fixed. Can you give me a number to call?"
Them:"Let me check."
Me: "Thank you. " Moron...that was in my head.
Them: "The number you can try is....
Me: "Thank you."
Them: "Are you sure we can't set-up a local program for you? Is there anything else I can do for you today?"
Me:"No, I appreciate your help."
Now, you know they knew that number the whole time, but I was proud of myself, I didn't explode, but I almost broke the phone when I hung it up. I have to admit they were quite nice, so I couldn't be rude.
My phone is still broken, I will give you the repair story with my next installment.

Dieting

I know what I want to talk about. I want to talk about being fat. I want to talk about being sick and tired of being fat, OR of thinking about being fat. The problems with this is that I have mirrors in my house. I see myself everyday in those mirrors. I love mirrors. My neighbor was throwing away a mirror one day and I almost tackled him to the ground for it. It hangs in my downstairs hallway to this day. I bought a beautiful oval mirror about 4 feet tall at an auction. It hangs at the end of my hallway. I bought two (what I call antique, but they are probably just old and beat up) mirrors at an auction and they are just sitting in my garage, waiting to go somewhere. I bought a stand alone shaving mirror (auction: I love auctions too) that sits on my armoir jewlery case (that has a mirror inside) next to my dresser that has a great big mirror. The bathroom is the biggest offender. That stupid mirror is the size of the whole wall behind the sinks, that one is the worst because that is where I see myself on a daily basis the way I came into this world....you know. ( I hesitate to say the word naked here, there are sensitive minds out there who know me. I can feel them shudder.) Back to my point....I am tired of being fat. I travel a lot with my job and, although they haven't asked me to buy 2 seats yet, I have to pray that my upgrades will come through for first class because I just dread squeezing myself into a 17 inch seat (you heard me, 17 inches). I can guarantee you that my behind is wider than 17 inches. I am begining to feel that those of us who carry around the extra tonnage will go the way of the smoker. You know, kicked out of work to do their dirty business off of company property. I envision the day that there will be fat people lining the road at lunch time licking rib juice off their fingers because the company has gone to health food bars in the cafeteria.

The problem with being fat is that you HAVE to eat! You don't have to smoke or drink to keep breathing air, but one must eat to live. There is an overeaters anonymous out there, but I doubt they tell you never to touch food again. (they probably make you swear to never touch good food again!) The worst part for me is that I have been on every diet imanginable. Of course I stay on them exactly 6 hours and then quit. It seems to be a power struggle; I have to control every aspect of my life; go to work, be a good employee, be a good neighbor, make right choices, be a good mother, do the things I am expected to do, so when it comes to food I am totally out of control. It is the one thing I don't (or refuse) to limit myself on. It's like every time I eat I am giving the raspberry to everyone. It's like I am saying "I'll show YOU!, I'll eat this whole cheesecake and you can't do anything to me!" Really hurting the other guy huh? I am a diabetic....what a moron. I need to sign this off, I am really hungry and need some lunch.