Mortality

Why does being sick have to feel so crappy? Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the good health that I normally enjoy, and I know there are others that suffer much more; but if being sick helps us appreciate being healthy.....really, I get it.  One big sickness in life should take care of that, right?  As I lay here with fever and chills and body aches, croaking like a frog, hoping I don't cough up a lung and wanting to cover up my head and pass "peacefully into that goodnight",  I wonder how people with chronic illness cope.
If we chose the maladies of our life prior to coming here, we must have had counselors to walk us through the process.  I know what mine said. "Oh no, Deb, don't choose illness, you are way to wimpy for that. Pick a big nose, (well, don't pick a nose, but you know what I mean) or superficiality, or being a royal pain...that's much more up your alley." (I think I chose all 3 plus a few more that I would rather not admit, but I'm working on them...except the nose...that just keeps me humble.)
I must say that working with people that are ill will harden one to their plight. I have experienced it as a nurse and especially as a hospice nurse. It is sometimes necessary to protect your heart.  Maybe I have been shielding myself a little too much lately. Maybe I haven't been quite as compassionate as I should be.  Maybe that's the lesson for this round of feeling like crappola.  Maybe I just feel horrible...yeah, I'm going with that for now.

Milestones

I haven't blogged for so long that I am actually angry with myself! I did, however, find 4 draft posts from 2010 that I never published.  As I read them, I think I'm glad I didn't. 

I love to write and I haven't taken the time to do what I love to do .  It's different now! I am not sitting at my desk posting away on my computer, but laying in my bed  posting away on my iPad. So many changes have happened since my last post.  I lost my job...but was able to take retirement, so, not a pity party or a total loss.  The severance package was good, the retirement is OK,  and the time off has been heavenly.  I am, however not one that can sit about doing nothing. I kept my second job and I opened a business of my own. We"ll see how that goes.  I have an interview on the 4th of March to pick up a contract for the new business.  I'm looking forward to having something to stimulate the brain cells again. However, as I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I wonder if I am playing it safe doing what I know how to do while hesitating to jump into something I am not so experienced in performing, but love to do. Safe isn't always fun. How old is too old to do the things you love to do? Never? I know that's the advise I would give. I think I need to follow my own advice, I think. So what is it I love to do? Write, yes, but what?  A book? Maybe.... A column?  That's what I would like, but t it keeps getting pointed out to me that no one reads magazines or books or newpapers anymore.  I don't know, maybe I can stick with the blog to get my need to write fix.  Photography? Yes, I even have a lead for a volunteer spot to do amateur photography. Can't wait to follow up on that. Travel? Definitely!  I have some big stuff coming soon which I will share here. I do have to make some money. That's the problem with doing things you love; often they bring little to no income.  Not always, but sometimes. Songwriting? Yes, done  alot of that of that, mostly when I was a lot younger, even have a copyright on a piece. There is always another song inside somewhere.  I also love teaching kids with music....I've had this idea of teaching some American history through folk tunes that are being lost....have to pull out the guitar and toughen up my fingers again. Know what a tarrier is?  How about the history of the Erie Canal?  Revolutionary war?  All have some folk tunes to go with them.  There is fun stuff too.  "Oh Far and Far to Zanzibar" is a great song.  Some say that kids are too sophistcated for that anymore...I say kids like what kids like...My "professional" background is nursing which, although physically difficult at times, I love, and clinical research, which I find fascinating and challenging, albeit a bit dry at times.  My ADD makes my mind race through so many things that I have a difficult time getting the brain train to stop at any one station. I jump through stops saying "Yes! I like that, and that, and that.... " Focus has always been an issue for me. If I get hung up on something, my train derails and it is one heck of an effort to get it back on track again.  I  think that's what makes me, at the same time, interesting, or scary...take your pick...

Do I need an intervention?

Ever seen "Hoarders"???  You know those shows where the people have kept everything for the last 50 years without throwing out anything?  I think I have a touch...and I think I am an electronic hoarder too... I have 1060 emails in my inbox right now......and I just emptied a lot out.  I have 106 sub-folders with anywhere from 5 to over a hundred emails in each of them.  I think there is something wrong with that......I think.  I have 258 unread emails........What the heck do I think I am going to miss if I just hit delete? 

It's kind of like I have this history in email and maybe someday I'm going to put it together.....kind of like the boxes of stuff in the basement that I'm going to put together of my kids...You know, their school stuff and all.......  Did I mention that my oldest child will be 32 next week? My youngest will be 23 next month.... but I think I'm going to get organized....maybe this spring......it could be a good retirement project, if I ever retire.  Don't see that happening anytime soon.....Maybe I could hire someone?? My sweet husband wants to toss it all...."Just throw it away!! It's junk!"  He doesn't understand...I have to let it go a little at a time.

Macaroni Christmas trees made in first grade, homework assignments with an "A" in bold red, Valentine hearts with "I Love You Mommy"....I can let the macaroni Christmas trees go.....(but that's a little bit of history now that we don't say "Christmas" in schools anymore!!! So maybe I should hold on to that!)  Maybe I could get rid of the homework, maybe...the Valentine's??  By the time I get to them, I'm sitting in the middle of the floor wanting my babies back...then, of course, I can't throw away anything...I just have to come back to it and try again later.....

I will say that most of my pictures are organized, but many are not in albums..which brings me to digitizing,  I want to digitize and organize and burn a CD of every hairdo I have ever had (which have been MANY)  I could call it the history of my hair.....and there have been some pretty awful hair styles.....but mostly I want my progeny to know who the people ARE in the pictures.  I remember growing up and having boxes full of pictures not knowing who most of them were.  Mom would name them all off while I tried to capture it on the back, but there are still many more I don't know than what I do know.  There is nothing sadder than going to an auction and seeing old family pictures......I always wonder who they were and why are they here being auctioned off in boxes of frames....hmmmm, probably hoarders who died with all their projects yet to do.....

Need a date?

OK, I haven't posted in awhile...I've been busy.....you know holidays and everything...stress at work, sitting in the dark pouting over things I cannot change....(What, you don't do that?)

Anyway, I have noticed lately that I have been getting these spam (I can only hope it's spam) emails trying to get me out on the dating scene.....You read that right, email that wants to match me up with someone local, "See pictures of local singles!"  But that's not what upsets me.  What upsets me is the fact that all of these email solicitations are for local SENIORS.....Well, I guess what SHOULD upset me is the fact that I am not single, so I shouldn't be looking for anyone, but REALLY now, do I have that much personal information out there that they know if I AM looking, I should be looking out for a hotty with a walker??

The one I got today declares " A Local Senior Single Wants to Join You This Holiday!!"  For What?? A bed bath?? Will I be clipping toenails??  Cleaning dentures?? Helping them feed themselves??  Do they know I am a nurse? 

OK OK I may be a little more touchy than I should be, but for crying out loud, I certainly don't consider myself a "Senior".  I don't get a senior discount yet.....that should count for something.  And where the heck WAS I online to become the target of these lovely invitations?  And why do they assume I am in need of a date?  I am a woman over 50, I guess I should be divorced or widowed at this point.....I can find my own dates thank you very much..... if I was single.... if I wanted to.....I think.....but I don't have to so I'm gonna stop thinking about it......I'll probably forget anyway, my memory isn't what it used to be.....

Yeah, you are right!

My daughters said "Mom!!" An 'ageless wild horse'??? What the hell does that mean???

 Hmmmmm.... when I said it out loud, I actually snort laughed again.  That does sound pretty stupid.  I was waxing poetic, I guess, and it didn't quite work. Especially since I am not anything close to a poet.  If you look at the post again, you will see that I did a strikethrough.  My point was, I don't feel old on the inside, I only look old on the outside.

Thanks girls for helping me keep it real, your mother can be pretty simple at times...but I guess I don't have to tell you that.

You Gotta Biga Facea

So, I am OK with getting older…..really I am. My essence, or spirit as I would believe, has no age. Inside this body that is no longer firm, elastic, or attractive to the common passerby, is an ageless wild horse…..(No, not an old gray mare, I SAID a wild horse.....) Thankfully no one is going to shoot me if I go lame. (At least no one under our current healthcare structure…)

But did I really have to buy that magnifying mirror at Costco?? It’s freaking big and magnifies 8 times the normal size. Did I really want to see every flaw in this face? My pores look like soup bowls, my skin has 23 different colors, my eyelids look like plastic bags that have carried around one too many apples, my nose is in the way of everything, and my crow’s feet look more like ostrich claws.

Well, of course the answer to that question is no, in fact, I got it for another gross reason. I got it cause I have to tweeze these stupid hairs off my chin….and neck….and jawline….I am thinking laser removal, but I have heard it doesn’t work on my type of non-pigmented hair….that’s gray hair for all of you that need a better description.

I don’t know, I spent a lot of years being overweight….. I couldn't get rid of the baby fat…..I mean my youngest is ONLY 23 years old. But now that I am down to an almost normal weight, I don’t have anything to go with it, except an old face…..8 times bigger than I imagined.

Is it too late to have everything lifted, trimmed, sucked, nipped, lowered, raised, plumped, botoxed, contoured, and bronzed to a healthy glow, or will I get more mileage out of the cool granny look? Maybe I should go for the mature and wise woman image, but I snort when I think of that. Snort laughing is not conducive to the mature and wise woman image. I am more the “Let’s go karaoke sober and see how many drunks we can convince that I am REALLY Dolly Parton’s cousin!” Snort….Snort… (No, it doesn’t take much to amuse me)

But if I did get everything “reconditioned”, what good would that do? Who’s gonna see it but me? Better yet, who’s gonna be INTERESTED in seeing it but me? Yes, I am married, but let’s just say that I could come home in a clown suit with my head shaved and the only reaction I would get would be “Anything interesting happen today?”

So, I’ll keep the mirror, soup bowl pores and all….at least I won’t have whiskers…..

Cool or Clod?

Since I have been writing this blog, I have become more and more unsettling to myself.  There was a time when I would have described me as: professional, unaffected by  pressure, determined, focused, and might I even add, a little cool.

I am now beginning to think, however, that it might be difficult for me to go through an entire day without drooling all over myself.  Professional has gone to lack of control, pressure keeps me in bed too late cause I don't want to face the day, determined has gone to I don't give a crap, what used to be focus is now the attention span of a 2 year old, and my cool factor has gone to clod factor.....

Two weeks ago, out on a call, I went to my car to get supplies to dress a wound.  It was 4 in the morning and I tossed my keys in the trunk as I was rummaging around, thinking that I needed to move a few things out when I had time....as I slammed my trunk, I immediately knew that my keys were still on the inside.   It wouldn't have been so bad if my car had been unlocked, I could of just popped the trunk from the inside, but I had locked my car on the way in to see my patient.  I almost NEVER lock my car....of COURSE I am going to do it when I leave the keys in the trunk.  This was the 3rd time since May that I have had to call my husband out of bed to come rescue me from my own stupid self.  He is such a patient man.....I can take credit for that.......I have tried him over and over again, and he just keeps coming back for more. I am not sure what the attraction is, but I am glad it works for him.  I don't even cook, for cryin out loud....All he said was "You know, you shouldn't put your keys in the trunk like that, it's very easy to lock them in there if you do."  Am I that oblivious to the obvious that he needs to tell me that???  Geez....One of the times he came to rescue me I thought I had locked my keys in the car.  I couldn't find them anywhere, it was dark, I couldn't see into the car, I had emptied out my bag and had come up with nothing.  When he came and unlocked the car, (hmmmm maybe I DO lock it more than I thought)...the keys were not on the inside either.  Another dumping of the bag found the keys buried in a crevice under my blood pressure cuff.  Sorry about that....but it was only a little after 11:00 that time.

As I look over my blogs, I see that I am grouchy, over-extended, rude, self-centered, vain, critical, insensitive......anyone want to stop me here?  Oh well..... and I'm not too bright either...as you will see in the following example.

I started bowling again recently after several years away and my right hand and ring finger have been stiff and sore.  I thought that it would work itself out, but last night, I decided that I would use some "herbal muscle massage" that contains capsaicin and menthol; kind of a potent Ben Gay, if you will. Capsaicin, as you will remember, is what makes chili peppers hot.  It burns, people.  However, I can eat very hot things, and believe me, if my insides can take it, why not my tough old hands?  So after the first application, I decided that the heat from the capsaicin and the cool from the menthol was not quite enough, so I applied a second coating.  I used it like a hand cream rather than a targeted topical medication to the areas that were painful.....Yeah, I know that wasn't too smart now.  Here's the weird thing though, it really didn't bother me until this morning when I was slathering body lotion on my legs and arms (I really need to drink more water to keep my skin in better condition, but I hate water)....I don't know if this act triggered an exothermic event, but my hands started to feel like they were on fire.  Now remember, this was the morning AFTER.... I took a shower, I had washed my hands a couple of times already...and then I rubbed my face....I was immediately blinded by pain and I couldn't open my right eye.....What the heck was going on here?  Well the eye got better after flushing, but my hands felt like they were being cooked from the inside out! For 2 hours, I had to keep running to the sink to wash my hands and run them under cold water for relief, and my right hand and finger are still stiff and sore!  Upon further investigation, (oh yeah, I don't follow directions very well either) you must, apparently, apply the capsaicin up to 4 times a day over a period of 1-3 weeks to get relief of stiff joints.....I think I'll pass for now....

I have decided that the only cool thing about me these days is my rosemary mint shampoo.....