Day -1 Packing Day March 17 2013

This is packing day. I hate packing day.  I have this weird ritual I go through when I fly.  For some reason, I have to do housework, so things seem orderly before I leave.  I should probably do that prior to packing day, but packing day is always preceded by thinking about packing day.  It's not like I haven't had enough time to think about this.  It's been in the works for a long time, but still I wait until packing day to finish the laundry, clean the bathroom, finish paying any bills that are due before I return,  and thinking about what I need to take with me.  I never get it right.  No matter how long I am gone, I take a couple of things that I end up wearing the whole time leaving the other clothes to take up space that I could have used for other things I probably wouldn't use but might have.  The other thing I do on packing day is make lists.  I want to make sure that I take everything that I want to use that is not related to clothing.  I have gone on trips where I have forgotten toiletries and had to go buy them, so toiletries are always on my  list along with cell phone, chargers, laptop, ipad, chargers, cameras, toothbrushes, a book, a movie, sun screen, boarding passes, etc and so on...Why I need a laptop and ipad on this trip I do not know, but I am very connected to my laptop.  It's like an umbilical cord , and I get a little anxious when I can't get my nourishment from cyberspace.  I will not be working, cause I don't have a job right now, but I do start a new one when I come back.   I may check a few email, post a few things on FB and of course get this blog online.  I am sure there are transformers in French Polynesia, but I went and bought one anyway.  A small one that shouldn't be used for more than 10 minutes at a time. (Better than nothing, I guess.)  I do find that I rest easier with my laptop along, even if I don't use it.  It's kind of like an inhaler in case of emergency, IT'S THERE.

So I have no clue what to pack.  Shorts, bathing suits, shirts, underwear.  I can deal with that, it's the SHOES that take up so much room.  I always bring too many shoes. Flip-flops?, Dressy sandals? Sneakers? I bought 2 new pair of sandals that I am taking, I'll wear the sneaks, (although I don't like wearing sneaks to the airport, slip off shoes are much more practical.) I end up packing 5 pairs of shoes.....no flip flops, I will be sorry about that I just know it.  I guess the philosophy is, if you don't have it, you can buy it.  Maybe I should just take an empty suitcase and work it out from there.  But I did buy a new bathing suit...I hate myself in a bathing suit.  You can't cover all the flaws like you can in clothes.  I'll be in the water, I'm old, no one cares anyway....keep repeating that... The strangest thing happens when I travel.  Everything that is so neatly placed in the bag with room to spare, expands on the way home.  Really!  Without adding one purchased item, the bag either shrinks, or my clothing magically expands to fill every nook and cranny of the bag leaving no room for the other stuff that,  prior to leaving, fit perfectly.  I have yet to figure this out.  Some random physics thing, I believe.  The Law of Conservation of Packed Clothing...You know whatever you pack cannot be reduced, but can be enlarged after being on an airplane.....Just a guess on my part.  

So I am packed, but when I have an early flight, we leave at 5:30 in the morning, I cannot sleep.  I will stay up the entire night, thinking about what I have packed, making my bed, adding things, subtracting things, going online to check the flight, making sure I have my passport and my boarding passes, hoping I will sleep on the plane.  I take a shower, check my lists, revise my lists.....It is quite maddening, really.  I drive myself a little bit nuts.  OCD?  Maybe. This trip is international, so It is even worse.  I worry about vouchers, and transport and money, the list goes on and on.  I will say this:  Once I am on that plane, it all goes away.  Anything I haven't  thought to do is now forgotten and  just too bad.  I will handle anything that may come up.  Wayne is up at 4:30, Anthony is going to take us to the airport, the dog  is going to Brent's house.  (I hope he doesn't go crazy, he doesn't like being away from home...that worry will also go away once on the plane.)  The kids will just have to do without their parents for a couple of weeks. Shawn will be Big Daddy while we are away, I'm sure.  They will all deny that they need anyone while we are gone, but we are still the glue, even though they are all on their own.  At least that's what I like to think.  So packing day is done.  I am going on an unbelievable vacation.  I just need to check my list one more time.

Mortality

Why does being sick have to feel so crappy? Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for the good health that I normally enjoy, and I know there are others that suffer much more; but if being sick helps us appreciate being healthy.....really, I get it.  One big sickness in life should take care of that, right?  As I lay here with fever and chills and body aches, croaking like a frog, hoping I don't cough up a lung and wanting to cover up my head and pass "peacefully into that goodnight",  I wonder how people with chronic illness cope.
If we chose the maladies of our life prior to coming here, we must have had counselors to walk us through the process.  I know what mine said. "Oh no, Deb, don't choose illness, you are way to wimpy for that. Pick a big nose, (well, don't pick a nose, but you know what I mean) or superficiality, or being a royal pain...that's much more up your alley." (I think I chose all 3 plus a few more that I would rather not admit, but I'm working on them...except the nose...that just keeps me humble.)
I must say that working with people that are ill will harden one to their plight. I have experienced it as a nurse and especially as a hospice nurse. It is sometimes necessary to protect your heart.  Maybe I have been shielding myself a little too much lately. Maybe I haven't been quite as compassionate as I should be.  Maybe that's the lesson for this round of feeling like crappola.  Maybe I just feel horrible...yeah, I'm going with that for now.

Milestones

I haven't blogged for so long that I am actually angry with myself! I did, however, find 4 draft posts from 2010 that I never published.  As I read them, I think I'm glad I didn't. 

I love to write and I haven't taken the time to do what I love to do .  It's different now! I am not sitting at my desk posting away on my computer, but laying in my bed  posting away on my iPad. So many changes have happened since my last post.  I lost my job...but was able to take retirement, so, not a pity party or a total loss.  The severance package was good, the retirement is OK,  and the time off has been heavenly.  I am, however not one that can sit about doing nothing. I kept my second job and I opened a business of my own. We"ll see how that goes.  I have an interview on the 4th of March to pick up a contract for the new business.  I'm looking forward to having something to stimulate the brain cells again. However, as I think about what I want to be when I grow up, I wonder if I am playing it safe doing what I know how to do while hesitating to jump into something I am not so experienced in performing, but love to do. Safe isn't always fun. How old is too old to do the things you love to do? Never? I know that's the advise I would give. I think I need to follow my own advice, I think. So what is it I love to do? Write, yes, but what?  A book? Maybe.... A column?  That's what I would like, but t it keeps getting pointed out to me that no one reads magazines or books or newpapers anymore.  I don't know, maybe I can stick with the blog to get my need to write fix.  Photography? Yes, I even have a lead for a volunteer spot to do amateur photography. Can't wait to follow up on that. Travel? Definitely!  I have some big stuff coming soon which I will share here. I do have to make some money. That's the problem with doing things you love; often they bring little to no income.  Not always, but sometimes. Songwriting? Yes, done  alot of that of that, mostly when I was a lot younger, even have a copyright on a piece. There is always another song inside somewhere.  I also love teaching kids with music....I've had this idea of teaching some American history through folk tunes that are being lost....have to pull out the guitar and toughen up my fingers again. Know what a tarrier is?  How about the history of the Erie Canal?  Revolutionary war?  All have some folk tunes to go with them.  There is fun stuff too.  "Oh Far and Far to Zanzibar" is a great song.  Some say that kids are too sophistcated for that anymore...I say kids like what kids like...My "professional" background is nursing which, although physically difficult at times, I love, and clinical research, which I find fascinating and challenging, albeit a bit dry at times.  My ADD makes my mind race through so many things that I have a difficult time getting the brain train to stop at any one station. I jump through stops saying "Yes! I like that, and that, and that.... " Focus has always been an issue for me. If I get hung up on something, my train derails and it is one heck of an effort to get it back on track again.  I  think that's what makes me, at the same time, interesting, or scary...take your pick...