Did I REALLY Do That?

Have you ever just made an interaction so uncomfortable that you wish the earth would fall away beneath your feet? You know, made it look like you were an idiot, a stalker, a Jerry Springer guest?

Me: "Hello! Quasimodo is the name? Oh! I see something on your back; can I straighten that out for you? Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was a hump...I mean, it looks fine, I hardly noticed...I had an aunt with a hump once....I LOVE that aunt....I LOVE your hump....I love YOU! Will you marry me?"

I mean, how do you get from hello to total meltdown in 30 seconds? How do you get from relatively intelligent to bumbling idiot in microseconds? The worst part is the person to which you have shown your ignorance walks away with a GREAT first impression.

Quasimodo: "Victor, I know we are friends, but could you please make sure I don't EVER see that person again, she is scary....and I KNOW scary!"

Now, add that to the fact that every time you see or talk to this person again, you become that same idiot over and over again so that now you are growing.....ad infinitum.......that first impression to a body of knowledge that makes you look like a total ass.....

And how do you fix it???? What I really want to say is, "You know, that isn't me....... really, I don't usually say things like that.....honestly,......I just got caught up in the moment.....ANYTHING to erase what happened and start all over again at hello.....hoping that I don't blow it all over again.....Maybe if I just say "Can we start all over again at hello?" that will work?

Life is interesting. These moments keep you humble....or humiliated.....take your pick.

What A Way To End The Day

Last night....

Kevin: "Mom-Mom?"

Me: "Yes, my baby?"

Kevin: "Can I lay with you?"

Me: "Of course! Come here."

Kevin: "Mom-Mom?"

Me: "Yes?"

Kevin: "You're beautiful."

May have to reconisder giving him that second Milky Way bar............

Bonding Moments.....

Alright......I am watching two of my grandsons for the next 3 days. No problem, right? Mom-mom and Pop-pop's house is a great place to stay! I do have toys and stuff, and a Wii...they love the Wii.... I raised 4 kids, I can do this....

Nathan is 5 and Kevin will be 4 on August 30th ....my little tow-headed babes, they are my joy.....let's hope it stays that way.

Not that I anticipate any difficult times, it's just that when my youngest child was a little girl, at the first sign of screaming over something, I would open my mouth and the older 3 would say "I know, give her what she wants." It was just easier, ya know? She turned out alright.....

So Mommy and Daddy are pulling out of the driveway and Kevin is crying.......Awww..... is he missing them already??

"What's the matter, buddy?'

"I want to watch the movie from the beginning." Nathan was watching Spiderman 3....

"I think we can do that." Give him what he wants..........So far so good.....

Failure to Fitness

OK, OK, OK, I really want to do this. I want to get healthy, I want to be fit....and I have come a long way, but NOW I have to put forth effort that is, quite frankly, making me wonder WHY I want those things.......I mean, I feel great, I get sick very seldom, I'm eating better (well, I have good days and bad)...and I can still walk around without assistance. I have good genes! Grandparents living into their mid to late 80's and parents in their 80s now! I can cover up most of the body flaws with the right types of clothes, and I will never be asked to grace the front of a fashion magazine.......So WHY do the words "Toning, Strengthening, and Cardio" fall off my tongue to the fitness trainer like butter off a hot knife?

I went for my fitness evaluation. Cardio, flexibility, strength, weight, BMI, the whole thing. He (that would be the trainer, we'll call him EB for privacy sake, E standing for 'evil') didn't give me a score, but, he said there was no pass or fail........How can NOT being able to do ONE push up NOT be failure??? I was, however, able to do quite a few crunches....(that was the sound of my body, not the actual sit-up thing.) They told me to come back a week later for my program......Why so long? Do they sit around a conference table and decide how they will inflict pain in the most efficient way? So I came back this past Friday. Really, don't you think I would have known better than to go for something like that on a day OTHER than Friday the 13th.......?

So I walk into the fitness center, which, let me just digress here a bit, is subsidized by my employer...we are encouraged to utilize it and make our lives healthier...the food they serve in the cafeteria has all gone "light" and for a while there was no chocolate in the vending machines......that had to have been a man's idea.....I think that practice ended when women looking for chocolate began roaming in packs.......

To EB I say: "You're not going to hurt me are you?" Now, I meant that as a joke, you know, just kidding around, icebreaker thing.............but, he HESITATED...oh, it was only a fraction of a second, but it was there. Then he said, "Well, you may be a little sore tomorrow." I should have bolted for the door that moment. Instead, I fought back tears as I changed into my new workout clothes. New clothes that just may have been a little more spandexy than I anticipated; however it does kind of hold everything in place. All I can say is, if you can't handle the spandex, get out of the fitness center....

So with a smile (did I detect a hint of cruel pleasure in his eyes?) EB asked me what my goals were. I wanted to say, "I would like to wake up tomorrow morning looking like Beyonce." but I thought that may sound a little crazy coming from a 56 year old white woman..... AND I wasn't sure if he would get it.....I mean after all, he HESITATED on that last attempt at humor. So, I kept it straight and told him that I would like to tone, strengthen, and improve my cardio function.

Next question: "Would you like an ENTIRE body workout? (Now I know there was some kind of devil's gleam in his eye!) Me: "Yes, I would like that!" Positive AND enthusiastic, I don't know, I think there was some kind of mojo going on here that comes on when there is the smell of spandex in the air, or maybe mine was so tight, the circulation to my brain had slowed.

So you know what, you have to warm up, and you warm up on your choice of cardio equipment. I made the mistake of letting EB choose my equipment. Would it be a treadmill or a bike? Oooooohhhhhh nnnnnoooo HE thinks I should do some time on an elliptical machine; was he concerned for low impact, or just plain evil? Did I not go through these same motions in the spinning class? The difference here is that I can monitor my heart rate on the equipment. EB tells me that if my heart rate gets over 165, to slow it down, and to come get him after I am warmed up. Well, 4 minutes in, my heart rate is 170 and my legs feel like jelly....... 4 minutes, folks, 4 minutes.....and I was going for 5. Isn't that just pitiful?? My regular warm up should be 20 minutes before doing the strength training.....Nothing like feeling defeated before I even begin.

The worst part, though, is I see EB sitting behind the desk 50 feet away. How am I going to walk over there?? How am I going to do anything else?? Do I fake a heart attack?? Would that be less embarrassing than crawling from the elliptical to the desk?? Seriously, my legs were buckling...it took everything I had to not fall when I was stepping off the stupid thing....... So, sucking it up, I put one foot in front of the other and begin the walk......with every other step I faltered, reaching down to grab the nearest piece of equipment hoping people wouldn't notice the old lady....in spandex....walking like a drunk......

Oh, but the best was yet to come. EB now would attach me to one piece of equipment after another starting with the press.......did he NOT know that my legs and thighs were pleading for mercy? The press.......at 60 pounds. Just to get ON the thing I had to bend my legs to my chest until I could rest my chin on my knees; how is that ever a graceful move?? "You should do 20 reps." After about 12, he reached over and pushed down on the weights with all his might as I pressed forward with my legs. "Why are you doing that?" I ask. "Well, you are stronger than I thought you were, we need to up the weight." I wondered very quickly if he would buy the fact that it was an accident if my foot came flying off that press and straight into his teeth.

And so it was, lower body, upper body, lower body, upper body, each piece of equipment born and conceived (in the minds of evil people) for working a different set of muscles. Muscles that have done nothing over the years but support and be cushioned by the various growing areas of fat that surround them.

Every new piece of equipment tormented me until I said, "I can't do any more!" This seemed to bring much pleasure to EB, for without fail, he would always come back with "You can do one more." after I would do one more he would say, "You can do one more." Never satisfied until I really could not do one more.

That is the secret, you see...I see all of you out there that know what I mean, nodding your head and getting that grin on your face. Muscle failure.....The conventional wisdom on strength training. You must work that muscle group to failure to attain success. Irony at its best, I would say. In other words, repeat that movement on that equipment until your body says, "UNCLE!" and will no longer respond to the will of the mind. How fun is that? So, I need to go from piece to piece working each muscle group until it is flaccid so that when I get up it looks like I need a wheelchair? My legs were still giving me intermittent moments of not knowing if they would support me or not.

By the way, where did that expression come from? "Uncle" Why do we cry "Uncle"? Sounds kind of creepy....I can think of a couple of creepy uncles I had.....

So, as I leave the Chamber of Horrors, EB says to me "Don't curse me out tomorrow." I am still trying to walk upright as I leave and am wondering when all those endorphins everyone always rhapsodizes over might be kicking in, and I think to myself, "Tomorrow? I want to call you every name in the book right now!" I fear tomorrow.....

I am convinced that Rodin was not inspired by Dante's "The Inferno" to create "The Gates of Hell", but, rather, saw a vision of the future and those subjected to personal trainers......

I was told that it takes 24 to 48 hours for muscles to recover, so I shouldn't do strength training but every other day. Well, it's been 3 days and my armpits still hurt. Who knew your armpits could hurt? My left thigh is still so sore that I am convinced that I ripped something. And I am supposed to do it all over again so I will be sore for ANOTHER 24-48 hours? That means I will be sore 4 days out of 7. Don't even try to convince me that it will get better, I don't believe it.

Now I remember why every piece of fitness equipment I have ever enthusiastically purchased at 3 in the morning on those infomercials ends up as another place to hang my spandex......

Spinnin' wheel got to go round....

Remember that Blood, Sweat, and Tears song "Spinnin' Wheel"???

What goes up must come down

Spinnin' wheel got to go 'round

Talkin' 'bout your troubles it's a cryin' sin

Ride a painted pony let the spinnin' wheel spin...

Well, I gotta say, the name of the group is apropos if associated with a spinning class. Course, when Blood, Sweat, and Tears was around, (this song came out in 1969, I think) there wasn't anything like spinning classes. Fitness was not "in" in those days (Jack LaLanne was WAY ahead of his time).....It would have been looked at as ridiculous to sit in a room and ride a top heavy one wheeled stationary bike until you wanted to throw up, while having an instructor urge you on to feel the pain and sweat like a pig. Back then, it was more like, light up a cigarette, fix a rum and Coke, and do a little Bugaloo (twist, jerk, whatever) (Holy Cow, I'm old).

I mean doesn't "spinning" sound like FUN? Didn't we all do that when we were kids? WEEEEEEEEEE, WE'RE SPINNING!! (Then throwing up sometimes) And wasn't riding a bike FUN??? Yeah! Let's see how fast I can go....then stick my head up in the air and feel the wind blow through my hair while I glide down the hills of my neighborhood........Please do not extrapolate those images and feelings out to what a spinning class may be............

Anyway, I bravely went to the class, not knowing exactly how it would play out.

I had heard of spinning and knew that it was a stationary bike on which the resistance can be adjusted so one may get the benefit of riding up and down hills and help power the cardio system in a nice workout.

The female instructor was fit....... muscular and tan, sculpted, toned, and enthusiastic....................Oh crap..................A happy sadist that wants me to be my best and to push myself hard so that I may have the benefit of health. What the heck had I been thinking???

So there sat the bikes, and all of these people that come every week..........Seriously, I was about 20 years older than the rest of them, surely I have an excuse to turn around and walk away?? There were 3 newbies, the other two were still younger than me, but in better shape. One I knew as a colleague and she was happy to see me there, but this lovely lady weighs.......... no exaggeration........probably 90 pounds soaking wet. She is a tiny little thing and perfectly proportioned, I need a big girl in there with me.......

Now let me just say that I have lost 90 pounds, so I have been feeling pretty good about myself, but again, as I got on that bike I was feeling fat, fat, fat...And the work-out clothes I was wearing? It was stuff I had before I lost the 90 pounds, so not only do I feel fat, I looked like I had been dumpster diving at Omar the tent-maker fashion house......

So we start...hip hop music blaring, instructor with her mic on telling us we were going to work it today, listen to our bodies, and push it hard...........I am in BIG trouble.

Did I say the class is 45 minutes long..............45 minutes of non-stop spinning..........the RPMs lighting up on the display before us so that we may see how hard we are working it? I don't think I have spent 45 minutes doing ANYTHING continuous in my ENTIRE life. I just don't have that kind of focus. For Pete's sake, I can't even watch an hour on television without having to get up and do something........what is going to happen here???

So, with my feet safely stationed in the pedals of the bike I begin to spin.........or at least I THINK I begin to spin.....the pedals won't move..............this will never do........wait, wait, forgot there was a lever to adjust the resistance.......I am assuming that the "minus" sign means less resistance, so down we go...... OK, now I can pedal, or spin , or whatever it is.

Rather than give a play by play of what happens next, just think of it as keeping the RPMs of the bike wheel between 80 and 110 at various degrees of resistance. We started out on a "flat" road (close your eyes and think you are outside enjoying the weather) to going up a 45 degree hill, to gliding downhill at an amazing pace......(when I went down hill riding bikes, I let gravity do it, not the pedals...)

The instructor telling us all the way when to:

"Notch it up a bit"

when to go down hill.......

when to go up hill............

when to stand up and pedal............

when to sit down and pedal..........

notch it up.........You should be at 90!!

notch it up.... Make it 100!!

notch it up..... 110!! Now come on it's DOWNHILL

WORK IT PEOPLE!!...... Its GOOD for you!

Does it SUCK to be you right now??? GOOD....... its GOOD for you!!

...............I think I got to 80 once..............without movin that knob one bit...............

The instructor wanted us to listen to our bodies......and I did......

The problem was that after about 5 minutes, my legs were saying:

"OK, that's enough....good job today girl, now relax and have a cookie."

After 20 minutes my legs were saying:

"You really need to stop, this is not pleasant and we are going to rebel shortly!"

After 30 minutes, the brain chimed in:

"Hey, what the heck? You trying to prove something here? The legs are done for crying out loud and do you see those spots in front of your eyes? That could be broken blood vessels for all I know, you don't want me to stroke out do you??"

But I prevailed................for 45 minutes I kept that wheel spinning..............Not at 110 not at 90, but I kept it spinning....

I never stood up and pedaled.........I tried once, but I couldn't make it happen......my body just laughed and laughed.....

Can I tell you what the worst thing was of the whole ordeal??? Not the pain, not the sweat, not the face that was flushed red from exertion, not the spots before my eyes, or the fear that my legs feeling like pieces of old rubber bands would give way when I finally took myself off that piece of torture equipment......it was the stinkin' seat on the bicycle...............

Why do they have to have those seats that split the permanent vertical smile like a sword?? And why do they have to have a mirror the full length of one wall so that if you turn and look you see that you hang on that seat like Baby Huey? You think my legs were talking to me??? You should have heard what my butt was screamin in my ear........

Not Memorable, Mom

My daughters did not like my last 2 blogs......."Not memorable, Mom." was my oldest's comment. I was taking them out to dinner, and when I asked them if they had read them, they just looked at each other and made faces........Stacie, (the oldest), said "Well there was something in there where you went off on a tangent that was somewhat OK." When I asked which part, she said "I don't know." and then made the comment above.

I then proceeded to spend money on them at dinner AND after dinner when Stacie felt the need to "look" at new makeup..........If nothing else, I can count on their honesty......Their biggest complaint was that I was in error when I said that I was the only one in the family that liked cucumbers. OK, I stand corrected........No one reads this darn thing anyway.......

Have Cucumber...Will Travel Part II

The list extolling the virtues of the cucumber are continued. I often wonder where these tests are done or who has enough time in their day to experiment with these type of things; I'm sure it is a degree at some AG college somewhere. I know we have plant physiologists etc etc, but is there a "Cucumber Institute", or maybe it is a sub-study of the "Vegetable Institute". Now wait a minute; is a cucumber a vegetable or a fruit? Fruit, I think? Anyway, here are the rest of the cucumber suggestions from the list.

#7. Looking to fight off that afternoon or evening snacking binge? Cucumbers have been used for centuries and often used by European trappers, traders and explorers for quick meals to thwart off starvation.

OK, the operative words here are "snacking binge". European trappers, traders, and explorers may have eaten them to "thwart off starvation", but I doubt had they had access to chips, ice cream, or even some beef jerky they would NOT have filled up on cucumbers. And why would I want to "fight off" a snacking binge? The whole idea of a binge is to wake up in a stupor to find your chest covered with crumbs (chips, cookies, sandwich, take your pick), chocolate on your lips, soda in one hand, and a spoon of half eaten peanut butter in the other. It's the "Lost Weekend" of the food addict.

#8. Have an important meeting or job interview and you realize that you don't have enough time to polish your shoes? Rub a freshly cut cucumber over the shoe, its chemicals will provide a quick and durable shine that not only looks great but also repels water.

I don't think women polish shoes. Do men still polish shoes? And is the important meeting or job interview a big surprise? I don't think I would be inclined to hire someone who was so unprepared for an interview that they totally forgot to polish their shoes....or maybe I would, I don't think I would notice unpolished shoes. Do you notice your shoes are unpolished only in the morning before the meeting or interview, or did you know you have been wearing scuffed up shoes for about 3 months? And how long does it take to polish a shoe? Is rubbing a cucumber slice over your shoes faster? Maybe I am missing the point? Should I choose polishing shoes with a cucumber over the traditional ? Maybe I should just have shoes that don't get polished......

#9. Out of WD 40 and need to fix a squeaky hinge? Take a cucumber slice and rub it along the problematic hinge, and voila, the squeak is gone!

Again, who thinks of doing this?? Let's see, I have a squeaky hinge.....in the kitchen I have Pam, vegetable oil, butter, but no WD 40...........Think I will go with a cucumber, that has GOT to work....Me? don't care about squeaky hinges, they give a house character.....

#10. Stressed out and don't have time for massage, facial or visit to the spa? Cut up an entire cucumber and place it in a boiling pot of water, the chemicals and nutrients from the cucumber will react with the boiling water and be released in the steam, creating a soothing, relaxing aroma that has been shown to reduce stress in new mothers and college students during final exams.

Mmmmmmmmm.........massage.....facial.....trip to spa.............wouldn't that be nice?? Never had a massage, had my first facial (and last, now that I think of it) when I was 54....heavenly.....my first pedicure at about 50, ....have to do that now, I have never been successful in getting my husband or any other family member to rub my feet, even though I have tried every bribe I can think of...no, that's not true, I think one of my progeny actually took money for it at times.... so I now pay for "Ricky" to be my cabana boy and give me regular spa pedicures. Well actually, I don't go to Ricky anymore because the salon was just not, well, I was afraid I would catch something there....but when I can, I get a man to do the pedicure. Their hands are stronger and... and... and...well, their hands are stronger.....but I digress.

I'm trying to figure out how a cucumber in a pot of boiling water will make me feel as good as a facial....and AGAIN, cucumbers do not give off a soothing relaxing fragrance. Wait a minute, let me go try it and see...... OK, here is the verdict..... no,... really,.... I actually did it! I just happened to have a fresh cucumber from the garden in my kitchen (7 pints of bread and butter pickles done today!) So I took one of the two I had left over and sliced it up. Of course, my husband asked me what I was doing, and just kind of shook his head.....BUT , he did make the comment that he smelled the cucumber as I was slicing it. He even said it was a little refreshing....(I don't think I have ever heard him say THAT before) And I will agree, the FRESH cuke FRESH from the garden did have a clean fresh smell as I sliced it, but definitely not a soothing relaxing fragrance. So, trying to be fair I boiled water and dropped the slices in. Went and sat in the family room to see if the anti-stress fragrance would waft around the house.....no luck....went back into the kitchen and stuck my head over the pot to see if it would at least be a good way to suck in the spa aroma and open up the pores of my face....no.....it actually smelled better when I cut it up fresh on the counter. Now, it just smelled like boiling water with soggy cucumber slices. Now, my question....it showed reduced stress in new mothers???? Did anyone take into account that when you did this test on new mothers that they were probably AWAY from their children in a room with nothing but a boiling pot of cucumbers? If I remember my young mother days (and I do!) if someone had asked me to participate in a test to see if my stress would be relived by boiling cucumbers, I would have leaped at the chance to get into a room by myself.....with a pot of ANYTHING. AND I would have told them to let me just sit there a few more minutes because I was SO refreshed and stress free by whatever it was boiling in the pot......or did they mean it relieved the stress of new mothers taking final exams?? As for THAT.......how exactly did that go down? I know getting a good laugh will reduce my stress. Coming into a classroom with a pot of boiling cucumbers during final exams would definitely give me a reason to giggle. And if the reason for the boiling cucumbers was announced I would definitely laugh; however, every student stressed because they had been out partying instead of studying would certainly be sucking in great gulps of air to calm their frazzled nerves hoping for, at the very least, a placebo effect.

#11. Just finish a business lunch and realize you don't have gum or mints? Take a slice of cucumber and press it to the roof of your mouth with your tongue for 30 seconds to eliminate bad breath, the phytochemcials will kill the bacteria in your mouth responsible for causing bad breath.

Wow....this is a good one! I don't have breath mints or gum in my purse or pocket, BUT, I have a baggie of cucumber slices!! How lucky am I that I didn't forget that this morning!!

# 12. Looking for a 'green' way to clean your faucets, sinks or stainless steel? Take a slice of cucumber and rub it on the surface you want to clean, not only will it remove years of tarnish and bring back the shine, but is won't leave streaks and won't harm you fingers or fingernails while you clean.

It may not harm my fingernails, but they will get torn off trying to clean with a slice of cucumber. This is another one I should try, jut to see, but I kind of like my tarnish,.....AND....If you have "years of tarnish" on stuff in your house, have you just been waiting for someone to tell you to use a cucumber, or do you really not give a flip?

OK there were 13 not 12......

# 13. Using a pen and made a mistake? Take the outside of the cucumber and slowly use it to erase the pen writing, also works great on crayons and markers that the kids have used to decorate the walls!!

I am now convinced that cucumber growers have created this list.....is the outside of a cucumber the peel? If it is, why not just say use cucumber peel as a pen eraser? Can I hold the entire cucumber like a pencil and use it as an eraser, or do I have to peel the cucumber and use said peel as an eraser? And why do I have to do it slowly, will it smear? Will I be able to write over the residue left by cucumber peel? I know... I should probably try it and then answer my own questions....

And, OK, my youngest daughter was an artist extraordinaire when she was a little girl. she didn't just draw on the walls, she scribbled murals at 3 years old, across the walls, the closets, the dressers, her bed, the floor. Forget paper, her medium was drywall and wood. I honestly thought we might have had someone in our family with artistic ability, but, no, she was just destructive.....I didn't bother with cucumber slices to erase her art work. The only thing that worked for me was primer and paint.

So there you have it. The wondrous cucumber and all of its miraculous uses. We have all seen those people with mud masks and cucumber slices on their eyes so there must be something based in reality; however, for me, I would like to leave my reality in the hands of a plastic surgeon for my wrinkles, Dow chemical for cleaning, and xanax for my stress.